Mothers Day

Today is Mother’s Day.  A day I love. Mainly because I love what these types of celebration days hold for me – quality time with family.

I have been struggling lately with my dad’s health. He has a very aggressive prostate cancer which has put him through a lot of aggressive treatments.  He has been through two scary surgeries, radiated at least half a dozen times and has been put on a variety of medicine to try to keep the cancer at bay but it keeps coming. We were told the last thing they would do is chemotherapy.  It was a last line of defence, it would be hard on his body and his already weak heart and would be the last thing they could do to try to help – after that there’s nothing.  That is where we are standing in this world looking down the barrel of a gun that may or may not work and if so not for very long – this last line of defence, not an easy one either.  We’re told words like “downward slope” “maybe a year” “not very good” and cling to the small chance that “it’ll be okay” but it’s hard, it’s very hard and has been weighing on me more than I have allowed it.

So I don’t know how long I will have with my dad, so I take every celebration seriously never knowing if it will be our last. I treasure these days and though technically today we are celebrate my mom and myself, we’re always celebrating the time with my dad. 

❤️

A better balance

There must be a balance between doing what’s right for you while also being kind, thoughtful and compassionate to other human beings.  I mean I think you need to listen to your heart and be yourself but don’t forget others –  be thoughtful compassionate and consider others as well.

If your dream was to become the big CEO of a company does it have to be done at the expense of others. Isn’t there another way?

I feel right now people are losing sight of how we are all in this together and that compassion and love is very faint. Where are the tribes? Where is the togetherness? Where is the love?

Hate

I hate hate.

There is a firery hate that resides deep inside me.  No one close to me would ever describe me as an angry person and that is true but within myself is anger and it isn’t pretty.

My toddler can push the anger out of me, that raw pure hatred can come bursting out  and it’s ugly, I rarely act upon it, maybe I’ll yell but the angry thoughts that come up are ugly and I hate them. Its not just my toddler, many people are pushing my buttons lately producing more and more anger.

It seems really intense now and it feels like it’s bubbling up to the surface begging to be released and I want to release it but it’s not as easy as it sounds.  It’s my default, it’s what I have learned and know so it won’t be an easy solution to simply stop being angry or mad.

But I want it to stop being a part of my life more than it should be. I want my children to default to love instead of anger, I want them to be peace and I really want that for myself too, which is where it will come from. 

Resistance 

I often try hard to go with the flow; seems kind of a silly thing to say, trying hard to go with the flow, but I do, it’s  not something that comes naturally to me. I have to work on letting go – a lot.  I have come a long way from a person who needed to control everything to a person who is aware that there are very few things, if anything, I honestly can control.  It’s something I work on and have to remind myself daily.  I think being at home with my little men is where I have learnt the most about how to let go.

Sometimes I don’t even realize that I am not letting go and going with the flow.  Yesterday I realized that I was not letting go when I was arguing with a two year old to use the potty.  It had been some time and I knew he had to go so I wanted to avoid that accident I could forsee in my future, but he wasn’t ready. I needed to control the situation before it got out of control.  He refused and after a lengthy battle he ended up having an accident. It wasn’t until later in the day that I realized that if I had just gone with it, I might have caught him at the moment he realized he had to really go. Then again I might not have, but the issue isn’t what I did or didn’t avoid, the issue was I wasn’t listening or learning or willing to get messy, I just wanted to avoid it all so the best way to do that was to try to control everything. 

A lot of days are like this, this is how I know I am where I am supposed to be right now because I can just feel the lessons come to light, and if I don’t catch them I am in a situation where they repeat over and over until I really do understand and let go. My darling little toddler with the temper tantrums and the little spark is teaching me some significant lessons : learn to let go.

Let go of all of it. Don’t let any of it weigh you down. Don’t argue trying to force your right point of view on anyone, hear them out, listen, learn and react in that present moment, things may get messy but it hurts a lot less than the constant battle. 

I realize that my little toddler is showing me the way.  I have oodles of relationships where I get so annoyed or can’t stand a particular personality trait of someone and it’s coming from a place where I feel they are doing it wrong and I haven’t learned to let that go.  Everyone has a specific path to walk down and none are alike, but I guess I want more people on my particular path doing exactly like me. Maybe I fear being alone, even though I am aware we are all connected and I am never truly alone.  These personality traits that annoy me are part of myself I see in them that I do not like and I dont want to see it so I hate it hoping they will change it.  The truth is I need to make peace with it all and learn to simply let it go. 

Step by step, day by day , my steps become stronger and I can stand taller in this truth and simply let go. 

Happy birthday

Today is my birthday, and like all my birthdays I use today to reflect and celebrate my life here on earth. I am filled with so much gratitude today. I am grateful to be here in this life, on this journey, learning so much and loving go greatly.

During my morning meditation I had seen a buffalo or bison and when I looked up the meaning I saw this often means abundance, prosperity and gratitude. How fitting for a day where I am usually brought into such a grateful place.  This animal also reminds me of my deep connection to Mother Earth and that raw and deep feminity inside myself.

So often I am criticizing or scrutinizing myself on this journey where as I should be celebrating myself, and today is a fantastic day to remind myself of that and to steep myself in this place of love and gratitude.

So happy birthday to me. My plan is to celebrate myself today, to love myself hard and most of all to centre myself in gratitude. 

It’s all smoke and mirrors

Today I had an a-ha moment where I realized that I have been caught up in a big comparison game, I hadn’t even realized I was playing.

Lately a few social media sites had been showing some old friends looking fantastic and leading this amazing and very prosperous life.  I was jealous. Every picture posted was perfect. Their children looked amazing and well adjusted and they showered them with amazing material possessions too. They themselves were going on countless trips and money certainly flowed very freely to them.

I was really jealous.

I wanted the material possession, the endless activities and vacations and I wanted to provide all of that to my children as well. 

Then I met my old friend out in the world per chance and as I was describing my sons dislike for a particular school subject and she said hers does as well –  I started to object because I had clearly just seen a picture of him doing this subject with captions that did not suggest even a hint of dislike by her son and then the lightbulb hit;  I just saw a picture, I don’t know the whole story and I am comparing my whole story with a picture that’s not even an accurate portrayal.

It’s all smoke and mirrors.

Then I got thinking that in all honesty I know down in my heart that I have been comparing too much lately and that has been leading to jealousy, hate and frustration.  I only have my complete story and that’s all I need to focus on. The way I live my life, my family, how I look – it only matters to me and I just need to focus on that and truly ignore the rest because the only full story I have is my own. 

Never happy

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a clif about to jump off into a place where I am actually comfortable with who I am but there is a little something holding me back and that is fear of change. It’s weird because in my mind I know that I would love nothing more than to change: be present and just accept things as they are in this very moment; but I am afraid of changing deep down inside.  Change means things will be different, I may lose friends, lose all kinds of things but I could also gain the world, I will never know unless I take that first step.  

I am always wanting more, like so many people : I want a fit body, more money, more things but all they do is take the want away temporarily, soon after I achieve or receive, the want comes back and I don’t really want the want. I don’t like wanting things, and the only time I am able to not want something is when I have it, but that’s temporary and eventually something else comes along igniting my want again.  My mind thinks if I obtain these things I’ll be happy, but it’s rarely I achieve these things and find that everlasting happiness. My mind is simply looking for a way to justify some unhappiness inside myself.  It’s like a distraction from what I know to be true, simply exist in the present moment and love yourself.  

It’s hard to accept yourself as you are in this moment, but it’s also really easy. If I lose ten pounds, if I made an extra $500 per month, everything would work out so much better, but then you get there and it may work for a little bit but eventually it’s not bringing you the happiness that you are truly after. For me, a big part of accepting myself and my life is not comparing to any one else. It’s really hard. I have had to take a temporary (maybe permanent) step back from some social media sites like Facebook, in an effort to step back from a world of comparison.  Right now I need to focus on myself, and really fall deeply in love with myself exactly as I am right now.  The idea of self love and acceptance is one that is new to me and takes a bit of practice –  I don’t have much of a foundation built and therefore temptation to compare to others is too much right now.  I feel as I connect deeper and deeper with myself I will get to a place where I am not even interested in comparison or any external validation or happiness, and can just be me. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these things take time, but I am going to help myself as best as I can get that foundation to move forward happily in peace. 

Accept

I have been struggling lately, struggling with a toddler who has a real spark for life, struggling with new skills for him and teaching new things like potty training. I have been struggling with myself, my anger and a feeling of being alone. I have been struggling with finances.  This past week has been intense with energy that’s been hard for me because I know that I have lessons imbedded in these struggles but I am finding them so difficult to navigate through alone.

Often when I feel overwhelmed like I have been the past few weeks I want to retreat. I head back and get cranky, I want to be alone and I want it all resolved without me having to do much, if anything.  

I find the moon cycles do affect my moods and myself, and admitting that had taken a long time. It’s no secret when a full moon happens I am filled with extra emotions and things often get tense. It happens every month and I have been afraid to admit this in the past because I am afraid others will think I am crazy but I am breaking through and this breakthrough means speaking my truth regardless of what others may think.  The moon affects the earth with the ocean tides, it affects all of us in some shape or form and admitting that means admitting that we are indeed all connected, everyone, everything.

Now that I am in this period of intense energy, it’s a time for breakthroughs and breakthroughs happen in amongst the chaos.  Right now I can see that my issues of learning patience, not caring what others think, and just going with the flow are all important issues to learn but before I do I must accept things as they are right now. These things take time and right now what I need is to slow down and realize I can’t breakthrough everything at once but I can accept things as they are –  this feels like the first and most important step. 

I have talked about this before but instead of saying it and quickly trying to move on I need to live there for a while and feel like I really am accepting it. I’ll be guided to the next place when I need it.

What I need to accept:

– relationships as they are right now, as they are, this means no comparison to others

-finances as they are right now, again no comparison to others

– my children, as they are, spunk and all, it’s who they are, no comparison to others

– myself as I am, and stand with strength in my voice, even if others may find it silly or don’t agree with it

– my body as it is, love all the bumps and lumps and know that I am doing what it needs and again no comparing to others

Right now acceptance is key, accepting everyone and everything in my life is the only thing I need to do, and I need to do that in love.

My hidden lessons 

I’m starting to really see how different people in our lives are there challenging us so that we can learn an important lesson.  My two-year-old son is there teaching me about patience, tapping into that angry part of myself that I hate, so that I can make peace with it .  Those mother figures in my life are there to get me to believe in myself and to not care what anyone else thinks, to really let go. 

By challenging me, it’s really pushing me to get in touch with these lessons.  It’s not always easy, in fact it’s pretty freaking hard at times but I do believe it’s supposed to be hard otherwise I would pay no attention to it. 

So when my toddler is really pushing my buttons I have to tell myself to stop and realize this is about me learning patience this about me learning how to make peace with my anger in this is about me connecting to my true self and let that go. Bit by bit it will get easier and become second nature.

Strength 

I was talking to a friend of mine about New Years resolutions and she introduced me to an idea of a one word resolution.  She spoke of this idea where instead of having a list of different things you want to accomplish, you choose a word that’s important to you and just fills you up.  Throughout the year everything you do should tie into that word, it’s a way to keep yourself in check – to make sure your following your heart and soul.

This isn’t her idea nor mine and I am not sure where it originates  – I am certainly not claiming it to be mine at all but I really like the idea. For a few weeks after she told me about it, I decided to let it be and see what word stands out and speaks to me. It’s taken a few weeks but the word that keeps coming to me is strength. 

This year for me is about strength. I really like this word. For me it represents my souls strength in all that I do – tapping into my inner strength in all aspects of life.  It’s not just wanting to be physically strong, but more a deeper connection to a strong source. This strength for me means having confidence in myself, believing in myself and standing strong in my power. It’s the strength to be in my power and it all resides in myself depending on no one else but me; it feels liberating, exciting and powerful. 

Strength.