Save me

I’m struggling through this health journey and I have days that are so incredibly frustrating; I have other days when I feel like I’m making progress. One thing I’m absolutely certain of, this isn’t just me seeing doctors figuring out what could be wrong and what could make it right; its me figuring out me and learning a lot along the way.  
I’m a big believer that physical pain isn’t just physical pain, it’s something inside you manifesting itself in a particular way. Do I believe my stomach issues can be cured by simply looking at my life and changing my thought pattern, not entirely, but I do believe it helps, in fact it’s a bigger part of the solution then I often realize. 
Right now I’m trying to navigate through this health stuff and it is never just a simple answer, but I wish it would be, – I am always looking to be saved.
Growing up my parents referred to me as their little princess but it wasn’t solely because I was a cute little kid, well I was adorable but it was because I wanted my Prince Charming to rescue me. I was constantly looking for someone else to do it for me, someone to save me from me.When things get difficult or I get lazy I seek someone else to save me. 
When I had my first child I learned very quickly just how hard I had to work and that there was no one there to save me but that didn’t stop me for resenting that. Though I had long given up my crown, it hadn’t given me up and I was finding it in all sort of hidden ways. I learned quickly how to adapt to the work, how to push myself harder, how to be strong but I didn’t release the resentment. I would compare myself to others, who had more help, more everything and think – why not me?
By the birth of my second child I understood that wasn’t a good way to operate and that comparing myself to others led to nothing but unhappiness. I did some big things: I quit my job to stay home with my kids, made some major changes in perception and had to say goodbye to some hurtful relationships but I was happy for the chance to grow into myself in a way that brought me peace and happiness. All the progress and all the happiness I gained was wonderful but quietly in the corner sat my crown.
Being a stay a home mom, living off one salary means not a lot of money for extras. It means living differently not necessarily badly and that often brought the old princess out of me dreaming of how it would be so nice if I came into a lot of money and how I would conduct my life if I had no financial restrictions.
I actually have a great life financially, I get to do things many would dream of but that’s the thing about the princess she always wants more and she doesn’t want to do anything to get it. I went back to work after the birth of my first son, I had two incomes then and I can assure you all I did was waste the more money that I had.
That stupid crown doesn’t just rear itself financially but in all aspects of my life. Personal goals, writing goals, health goals – there she is, wanting it all done perfectly with no effort. Sometimes I don’t even know she is there. I almost didn’t recognize it but the longing and the want is spilling into my health journey.  
I want a problem and a solution and I want it resolved quickly with little effort on my part. I don’t want to do the hard work and I certainly don’t want to live in this world I am living in right now with no definitive solutions. I want instant gratification. It’s taken a month just to start more medical testing and that is way too long. The crown wants me to be well by now. I have life to live and I don’t want this weighing me down. It’s all I can think of and it frankly leaves me having to adapt in a way that doesn’t feel like I am even participating. 
There’s nothing wrong with wanting things a certain way, or dreaming of a certain life. I mean if I’m willing to work for it I can accomplish all my goals and more importantly, find myself in the mess. The problem comes from me wanting someone to save me, to do it all for me, and the truth is only I can save myself.
So I relinquish my crown and instead of looking at all the dreadful work ahead, I will enjoy it. I will enjoy the work because I know it leads to great things. It leads to the life I’m meant to be living and most of all it leads to me, the true me.


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