Time out for me

One thing that I am really passionate about is people taking time outs for themselves, particularly mothers.  When I first became a mother I remember a co-worker saying to me to take time out for yourself, it makes you a better mother.  At the time I thought it was ridiculous, how can time away make you better ? She couldn’t have been more right. 

Recently I have been going through a routine funk, not etching out any time for myself.  It was hurting me way more than I realized.  The worst part is when you are in one these funks, you don’t necessarily want to get out of it; it gets really comfortable. I believe that by not taking any time out for me, I was physically hurting myself – enter my recent stomach pain battle. I’ve read how the stomach acts as a barometer for change, so when you get stuck sometimes you find yourself in some sort of gastrointestinal distress, it can be minor or in my case a lot more severe.  Whatever it is, it has caught my attention and I realize now that some changes have to be made.

I love writing and I let it fall by the waste side. I used to occasionally have a long bath or meditate or both but haven’t done that in a long time.  Circumstances have even let me meet with friends less and it all has to do with me not taking time out for me.  I go through my day, in my routine and at the end of the day just zone out and watch Netflix because I have no energy left in the tank.  I have let myself fall into an old pattern which was once described to me as the walking dead. You are just going through the motions, walking around as if you are dead.  

This has happened to me before.  Before I experienced a miscarriage a few years ago, I felt exactly this way – like the walking dead and it took something very life changing to get my attention.  I learned from that but change was hard to make, so I got back into a mundane routine and thus the first time I experienced these stomach pains came to be; and now here they are again, practically yelling at me. How does that go again:  those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

I have a hard work aversion and I dont necessarily think it’s the fear of the work, but rather, the fear of failing from the work.  Even though I know failing is one of life’s greatest lessons and is necessary to any success, I have risk aversion and usually avoid rocking the boat. In fact my whole life I had done just that, took the mediocre job, did the mediocre things all because it means not standing out, it was safe.  After all that I went through, I made a huge change, I quit my job, I did what others around me weren’t doing and what I am surprisingly often cristisced for:  I stayed at home with my kids.  I took a risk, and it came with a lot of failures and some huge lessons to learn but as I was evolving I was also refusing to change. I got caught up in the mundane and refused to step into another level.

I did this by taking away my me time: my time to think on my own, to talk it out with a friend, to meditate on it or to write about it was all lost and in process so was I. The routine lost meaning.  I lost meaning.  Now I am sitting here trying to re-establish that lost connection, and the only way to do it is to take some time out for me, I have no idea where any of this will lead, but I do feel change is on the precipice.  The only way to get there is to find myself, the only way to find myself is to take some time out for myself.

I suppose that’s why I am so passionate about taking time out for yourself, it’s way more important then we often think and it can make all the difference in your life: you can either go through the motions or you can live and I really would rather live.

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