Internal happiness

I am always the victim.  I am always the one who is under appreciated and never valued.  It has been like that my whole life.  I can easily live in the victim role and I honestly believe that just attracts more negative energy, leaving me stuck in that victim stage.

I think one of the main problems with me living and working as a stay at home mom is the fact that I feel under appreciated.  What I do in the day feels like so much but the recognition or appreciation that I get from my family will never be enough – and I do get a good amount.

What is it with me and things being never enough? I never have enough money,  I never have enough house,  I never have enough appreciation,  I am never enough.

I am never enough because I am always looking for outside validation.  In a way that sometimes feels secretive, I am not finding my happiness in the everyday tasks, so I am looking outward for it.  When I do get a temporary fix, it is simply that – temporary.  It fades and then I start all over again because I am missing the root issue.

We all know it – happiness only comes from within yourself. I know that.  I believe that but I am not practicing that. No amount of money or things or people’s opinions will change that.  I certainly can’t depend on waiting for someone to tell me I am doing a good job –  I need to enjoy the job itself and find the good within myself and not externally.

It ties in with present living: if I am living in the present moment, I can find the joy and love in that moment and in myself and eventually I will stop looking outward for this validation.  

All I can do is live moment by moment and enjoy every one that I am in.

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