Today felt like a bad day. For the most part it wasn’t too bad really but a few key encounters with some really negative people sent me into a downward spiral where all I could do was be mad at myself because I shouldn’t let these people make me mad.
I often use phrases like “I am becoming better”, “I am changing” and “the new me”. It’s all me and though I may feel like the path I am on right now seems new and exciting it’s the same me taking it; the only difference now is awareness. I am aware of all that does and does not serve me so I try to water those seeds that do serve me. I am not broken and do not need to be better. What I need to do is accept who I am and embrace it instead of shying away from it. I need to continue with my awareness and focus on all those positive things but when I am feeling down, then let that be.
It’s okay if someone’s words hurt me, that may have been their intention, that may have not been but I will never know that so after feeling the sting the next best thing is for me to let that go. The important part of that is allowing myself to feel the sting. I often don’t do that. Instead I torture myself getting mad at myself when I think of the moment, thinking I shouldn’t be mad I should let it go but I never allowed myself to feel and therefore never addressed it so I can’t set it free. It’s like throwing a rock in the air, it’s never going to stay in the air until I lessen the weight and let it be. When it’s as light as a balloon it can float freely without ever coming back.
Sometimes I think as I head down this path that I must be a perfect version of myself or maybe that is what I believe the end result will be. There really is no end result just a constant circle and love and understanding, not improvement. There are no perfect people only beautiful and flawed human beings but our flaws are what makes us human and beautiful. I often think that my sensitivity and passion (good and bad) can be flaws and sometimes they can be but most of the time they are beautiful, they can be both; actually they need to be both because one can’t exist without the other. Good can’t be good without the bad and bad can’t be bad without the good.
So bad days need to exist, I can’t pretend that they don’t and I certainly don’t want to repress them by believing that they should not exist. They are there and I need to feel them. When I feel like I have felt them enough, I have to let them go and don’t look back.