Resentment

I feel resentment a lot. I was asked the other what I meant by that and I tried to explain it. How do you explain resentment? It’s a perception of injustice, your mad at someone or something for their experience and feel injustice for yours, to me it’s a very complicated form of comparison and it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. 
Understanding the meaning for me helps me to understand when, why and how I am feeling resentment. I have talked about playing the “woe is me” victim role in my life and resentment is a big part of that. Actually I can’t really be a victim without feeling that injustice, no wonder I am constantly full of resentment.  As I sit here and think about the why, it’s boiling away and I see that for me all that resentment is me not being happy with me. It’s me looking for outward happiness and when I don’t find it I feel as though a great injustice has been served.  Instead of finding joy in the moment I often find this injustice and it’s always because I don’t think I deserve it.  I get resentful because I feel it’s unfair. Do I really think it’s unfair or is it because the grass looks greener on the other side.  I think I deserve green grass but I don’t water it. The grass is green where it is watered and frankly I am not doing so. 

I need to continue to find the joy and the love in each individual moment because that leads to my happiness. The simplest tasks such as putting away my children’s toys can fill me with love and joy if I let it, and the trick is to allow myself to let it. Everything gets better with practice, if I find joy and love in all my moments there will be little room for any resentment; because I will find no need to even compare myself.  I will have no need to compare myself because I will feel confidence and love for the choices I have made and will have nothing but happiness for them. I won’t need to look elsewhere because I will have watered my grass continuously and will just revel in its beauty.

A few years ago I tried this practice where everyone I met I gave them nothing but love, just thought super loving thoughts about them and did my best to just send love their way and I was surprised at how many people it affected. I think a good experiment would be to do that with my daily tasks, put love into it and find that joy – it will help me to be in the present moment. I will be able to  ask myself to stop and think about what I am doing and really feel the love and joy in it, there always is, even in those not so tender moments, a little bit of love and a little bit of joy.

Practice makes perfect, so on I go to practice.

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