This morning I started a guided meditation on creating abundance and immediately upon starting I said “oh, I should have chosen the meditation on love or health”, these are things I probably need more right now. I actually thought to myself that I do not need abundance in my life. I had in fact chosen the correct meditation because I needed to a) be reminded of what abundance is and b) that I am worthy of having all my hearts desires fulfilled.
As I happily carry along my journey in life many things have started bubbling up the surface recently and I am doing my best to address them, as opposed to simply ignoring them. It has been challenging but I am starting to see that’s what life is all about, the challenge – if it were easy then there would be no point. The struggle or the challenge is where you find your strength, your courage, your true self. It doesn’t mean life has to be a constant struggle, but I do believe that struggle is peppered in your life to help you learn and grow and connect with you.
When I was young I used to play monopoly with a friend from the neighbourhood. I would love when the game was balanced, with ups and downs and trade and laughs; but I didn’t have very much fun if I landed on everything and had the entire game in my hand, crushing my friend in a quick defeat. It wasn’t fun if everything was given to me and I didn’t have to work for anything; but it was a fun game when I experienced some challenges and had to think on my feet and learn about the game. I always think of monopoly when life is throwing me a struggle, because I know it’s that struggle that makes it worth living, that makes me think and connect.
This morning I realized a lot of my resentment and anger are stemming from a spot where I feel injustice and there is some inner conflict going on. There is a part of me that feels so deserving of many things, but there is an even bigger part that feels that I don’t deserve anything; that even the simplest abundance like the laughter of my children or the abundant beauty of the world around me is something I don’t deserve.
Finding my purpose in my life’s work will never take place if I continue to feel what I feel and that is that I don’t deserve it. I feel I don’t deserve any abundance in my life whether that be as simple as the shinning sun or as complex as financial prosperity from working in a field that I love. It’s okay to want material things, so long as I understand that happiness does not come from them- only from within, through self love.
My lack in self love is something I thought I had made peace with a few years back but I can see very clearly now that it was something that I pushed down further. Other issues are bubbling up and it is down deep in there begging to be dealt with. Loving yourself is the hardest thing and the simplest thing I can do, and though right now I can’t feel it I can surely say that I love myself. My negative speak is constant in my head and it needs to stop. My stomach leaves me bloated, it is something I cannot control, and I find a mirror and fill it with self hate for the bloated belly I see inside. It’s not even logical, but it does have to stop.
Moving forward I need to be kind with myself, to be gentle and flow with ease in a state of pure love, for everyone, but most importantly for me.