Stay at home fear

Yesterday at playgroup with my youngest, I looked around and decided to really pay attention to all the moms and their children. I realized that the mothers who seemed happiest were those living independently for themselves.  They seemed to just be in the moment having a good time with their kids. What I was surprised to see was a few group of mothers who looked unhappy, and they actually had a common theme: they were waiting for daddy to come home and this was just a way to eat up some time until they get there.  They talked about daddy coming home a bit, took pictures for daddy and made reference to him more than I ever realized. There’s nothing wrong with that but some of them looked outright unhappy.  Now this is obviously just speculation on my part because I don’t know ones story, or maybe it was a bit of projection.

I can relate to the mommies waiting for daddy to come home because I do that a lot,  but lately I have come to the realization that for me to really enjoy this time with my children, I needed to do it for me and not my hubby. I can’t be waiting for his arrival because when he does nothing really changes drastically, I just have a little more company. We still parent together when he gets home, it’s just as awesome as when I do it alone, it’s the company which is what I am after – which is more than okay. That signals to me that getting out to these groups are more important than I realize and it also tells me to maybe start looking at making peace with me – being alone.  I enjoy my company but sometimes I fear being alone and that is somewhere I don’t want to be.

For me in order to be happy and accepting as a stay at home mom, I need to enjoy the present moment but I need to do it entirely for me. I still want that love and connection when hubby is around but I also need to feel love and connected on my own. It does me no good to sit with the kids waiting for daddy to come home, because nothing significantly changes when he does.  If I am only at ease when he is there then I am not really at ease with myself.  In that case I am not participating in self love.

The next building block in my journey is to have confidence and love in my ability to be a mother on my own, but  I think it goes further than that, it’s to have confidence and love in myself.  The only thing that can dematerialize fear is love, and the only way to remove fear of being on my own or fear of myself is to meet it with love.  

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