I release you

My little guy has been sick for a few weeks and that means he has been getting up many time during the night.  This morning he got up extra early to start his day on top of being a little cranky throughout the day and night and I was mad.  As I sit here and think about it I know I am not really mad at him.  He can’t help it, he is sick and can’t communicate what’s bothering him so he simply cries.  So why am I upset?

I am upset because I am not getting up when I want to and I am not getting what I thought my sleep should be.  This is temporary and eventually he will be better and my sleep patterns and his will be less interrupted. Just flow with life Danielle and let go of that expectation.

Okay that’s pretty simple but is there something else inside of me that I am storing and not letting go.  Yes.  

Yesterday I ran a race in our city that was a big deal for me as it has been a few years since I had been running regularly. I had sort of let running go and now I was welcoming it back into my life making more room for things I love to do again. I had been looking forward to it for months and was really proud of myself for getting to that point. 

What could I be mad about? Well I had wanted a big cheering section full of friends and family.  I was so disappointed that my parents couldn’t attend, for reasons I felt weren’t as important.  The night before I had little sleep, the plans I had made for my terrific day looked like it was not going to work so when I got up and was about to race I was incredibly disappointed.

That’s when I looked at my bib and it read “I’m running for me. I’m worth it!” and I realized part of this (which happens a lot to me) of looking forward to this and being disappointed is me not being able to adapt and go with the flow of the situation.  Which is what I felt my parents were doing by not attending my race, they were not being fluid in their plans that could have been adapted to being at the race  but that didn’t matter it was their choice and in the moment it was me not being fluid. Besides I hadn’t communicated the importance and when they informed me of their new plans I had not even said a word.  I had to speak my truth in a loving way and I had just said nothing and stewed in anger.

The other thing I was doing was running for everyone else and for validation and approval.  I needed to follow the bib and run for me.  It was a great thing for me to run that distance at this point in my life. So when I started to run I decided my husband and boys were there and their support is all that I need.  It was so great to hear my family cheer as I ran along. I got comfortable  in the race and simply enjoyed the moment.  The scenery was beautiful and it’s always so fun to run on the road that was closed in the core of the city.  I finished the race under the time I had thought by three minutes and when I arrived I was informed that the awful day I thought it was going to be had actually worked itself out and was going to be awesome.

We had celebrated breakfast downtown with friends who I consider family and it was so beautiful.  Afterwards my boys played and we encountered more and more people and friends and had an amazing time. My oldest boy ran his fun race and I couldn’t have been happier.  We were surrounded by love and happiness the whole morning.

I realize now that I had been holding on to the anger of not having the support of everyone during race time. I was mad at my parents that they unavailable for something they had no idea the importance to me and frankly I was running that race to impress them.  Once I ran that race for me things turned out really well. Speak my truth and let it go.

Like a balloon floating thought the sky, I release you.

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