Anger has been erupting out of me all day. I had an excellent healing session yesterday and I am still releasing some things which have been buried deep. I never really know what is truly bothering me until I put pen to paper, or start typing. It’s amazing how much clarity and peace I can get from this process; things I never even realize I felt or understood.
A lot of things erupting today, are little things; but they all have a common theme : feeling that I am not being respected, valued or loved at a very basic human level. Something as simple as not having a correct date communicated to me, making a lunch when I wanted someone else to have made it, having a toddler chew through my scarf three times, are normally little things that don’t cause me much concern; but they are today because they are trying to alert my attention to something much bigger. Something inside myself needs attention badly: this feeling that I am not worthy or of value.
Perception is a tricky little thing, I can see the colour of the sky as a light beautiful blue but you may see it as a dark ominous blue. The difference does not lie in the sky but in our perception of it. I am perceiving all these little things causing me anger and frustration today as little digs at me letting me know that I am not of value. Why on earth would I perceive it that way? The same reason you may see the sky as dark and ominous – I believe that to be true.
These little gestures may be a way of someone communicating to me that they think I am not of value, but I doubt it, the truth is more real : I believe I am not of worth or value. I do not believe in myself; I honestly do not love myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am doing a lot of things right now to connect me to myself in a way I haven’t done in years, but there is something really simple that I am not saying and I certainly am not believing right now : I love myself.
Loving myself has been something I struggle with, years have conditioning has brought me to a place of self loathing and criticism. As I have been taking some serious steps forward lately, into my true self, there is a big piece missing that I am not doing. I am not saying out loud that I love myself. I am meeting myself with constant criticism instead of love. My current state of wanting more things, more help, more money, more abundance will always be in a state of wanting more because all are just providing temporary moments of happiness. I know true happiness only comes from deep within, it’s why none of these things I have mentioned will ever be enough, because I am looking outward for something I have within.
I will never be in a place of true happiness, unless I learn to love myself and that will take me some time, but I am okay with that. Once upon a time I used to start my day with loving affirmations and it was something I really responded well to, even though I wasn’t believing it myself at first, over time I started to believe. Then someone saw my affirmations taped to the mirror and teased me relentlessly and I started with self doubt that perhaps this wasn’t really working. At that point in my life, I wasn’t ready to be candid with everyone showing them who I really am but I am ready now.
One of a the best things I can do is accept myself with love and tell myself that daily, I know it works wonders in my life and it’s the best foundation for me to live my life in love.
I love and approve of myself.