Trust

Tomorrow I am meeting with a gastro specialist.  This has been a long wait to meet with him.  Since it has taken so long to meet with him I have pursued many different options out there and favoured a more natural method of treatment.  I have found some help and I am not in a constant state of pain day in and out, but there is something going on there for sure and I am noticing it may be tied into my hormones.  

My PMS week is a major withdrawal of estrogen and that takes away my happy mood receptors and makes it a lot harder to feel like myself. This is when I get angry. This is when I have my worst stomach issues.  What do I do about all of it?  That I am not sure but I do feel a great sense of happiness as I am seeing it all connected and unfolding in front of me. My stomach, my hormones, myself is all connected together. 

For a while now I have been  afraid to see the specialist tomorrow. I’m afraid that I am wasting his time. I’m afraid that I’m going to have to go through awful medical testing. I’m afraid they find something horrible. I’m afraid of him in general. Most importantly I’m afraid of the unknown.

It’s so easy to be afraid of the unknown. It can go a million different ways tomorrow and I am afraid I don’t know which way it will go.  This is an old habit. This living in the future instead of living in the present, this fear of having no control in a situation.

The only way to combat that: trust.

Live in the present moment and trust.  Trust that it will all work out beautifully as it should and if something doesn’t feel right, I have to option to say no.  I have the opportunity and ability to speak my truth in the moment. I just need to trust the moment and trust myself. 

I do not fear tomorrow, I do not fear the doctor, I do not fear myself-  all I can and will do is trust.

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