I will 

Today a would have been her due date. She would have been three years old today.  The baby I lost at twelve weeks never got the chance to be born physically here with me but she was born spiritually and sometimes I feel like she is the one guiding me.

I woke up this morning to a dream where I was giving birth to her, it was a beautiful place surrounded by beautiful people and there was no pain.  She was put on my stomach and that’s when I woke up, I never got to hold her. 

I didn’t realize the date, but had the dream first and then when I woke up and started my day I saw a reminder and realized what day it was and I knew what the dream truly meant. I am grateful for reconnecting with myself because I may never have experienced what I experienced this morning.

A lot of people have experiences such as I have had, perhaps the loss of someone which changed them forever, set them on a path and put them in motion- she was that for me. It was like I was walking around like a zombie, never fully awake, and then that happened and a whole world opened to me, I was alive, I was awake.

To be on this path requires some serious work, and it’s not always easy; in fact it is riddled with challenge and sometime I tire of the challenge. I know I am not looking at it in the way I would like but this is where I am right now – a little mad at the struggles. I know the stuggles define the good, I know the stuggles provide me with lessons, reevaluate myself, connect me to happiness but today I just need a little time to be down, to miss that ignorant bliss, it wasn’t life but it was easy.

When I lost her three years ago, it was the first time I felt like my body had failed me.  The truth was it was communicating with me, but I felt failure.  From that moment on I was attuned to the various failings of my body – infections, stomach issues, hormone issues, irons issues – all failures.  These failures aren’t really that, I know, and they are all connected together like a big circle affecting one another and the root issue is there but I can’t see it or figure it out. It’s like a big problem in school that you’re working on and you feel so close to the answer but you can’t make it connect, you can’t reach the solution. 

I feel so close to breaking through all these issues, connecting all the dots and truly healing to a place where I feel whole but I am not there just yet, and that’s okay; but today, I can and will feel a little down by that.  Today I feel a little longing for ignorant bliss, today I feel a little sad I can’t see through to the solution, and today I will miss her. 

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One thought on “I will 

  1. Dear Danielle,

    My name is Ashlee. I’m co-founder of the Youshare Project, with the mission to connect people around the world through true, personal stories. I recently stumbled across your blog and read the above post entitled “I Will.” It’s so raw and honest, beautifully written and compelling. I think it would make a wonderful youshare, because I believe other women who have experienced miscarriage could identify with your story and find comfort in your words.

    If this sounds interesting to you, I would love to email you directly with more information and formally invite you to adapt your story to Youshare and share it with the project. You have my email address and website. I hope to hear from you soon.

    Best,
    Ashlee
    http://www.youshareproject.com
    ashlee@youshareproject.com

    Liked by 1 person

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