Today a would have been her due date. She would have been three years old today. The baby I lost at twelve weeks never got the chance to be born physically here with me but she was born spiritually and sometimes I feel like she is the one guiding me.
I woke up this morning to a dream where I was giving birth to her, it was a beautiful place surrounded by beautiful people and there was no pain. She was put on my stomach and that’s when I woke up, I never got to hold her.
I didn’t realize the date, but had the dream first and then when I woke up and started my day I saw a reminder and realized what day it was and I knew what the dream truly meant. I am grateful for reconnecting with myself because I may never have experienced what I experienced this morning.
A lot of people have experiences such as I have had, perhaps the loss of someone which changed them forever, set them on a path and put them in motion- she was that for me. It was like I was walking around like a zombie, never fully awake, and then that happened and a whole world opened to me, I was alive, I was awake.
To be on this path requires some serious work, and it’s not always easy; in fact it is riddled with challenge and sometime I tire of the challenge. I know I am not looking at it in the way I would like but this is where I am right now – a little mad at the struggles. I know the stuggles define the good, I know the stuggles provide me with lessons, reevaluate myself, connect me to happiness but today I just need a little time to be down, to miss that ignorant bliss, it wasn’t life but it was easy.
When I lost her three years ago, it was the first time I felt like my body had failed me. The truth was it was communicating with me, but I felt failure. From that moment on I was attuned to the various failings of my body – infections, stomach issues, hormone issues, irons issues – all failures. These failures aren’t really that, I know, and they are all connected together like a big circle affecting one another and the root issue is there but I can’t see it or figure it out. It’s like a big problem in school that you’re working on and you feel so close to the answer but you can’t make it connect, you can’t reach the solution.
I feel so close to breaking through all these issues, connecting all the dots and truly healing to a place where I feel whole but I am not there just yet, and that’s okay; but today, I can and will feel a little down by that. Today I feel a little longing for ignorant bliss, today I feel a little sad I can’t see through to the solution, and today I will miss her.