A while ago, after my miscarriage I felt like a new path was lit up for me. I could see that I was going on this awesome journey and I wouldn’t be the same neurotic person I was in that moment. That really excited me! I could be me, who just loves everyone and everything and is void of all negativity.
I was so excited to head down this new path that I rushed right on it, instead of going with the flow and gradually evolving which is probably more characteristic to what I feel now. I consciously cut out everything and everyone that wasn’t going to help me get to this new Danielle. There were people in my life who I felt didn’t bring the best out of me and I didn’t feel like they were people who shared my new found view on myself and humanity.
I cut all those people out of my life but some kept coming back again and again and this only angered me.
It’s only years later that I realize that there are still people around me who are like that and will always be. Sure, they aren’t everyday people and interaction is occasional but there is interaction.
There will always be people around like that around. Over time I find I don’t dwell on their negativity as much. I may always be the same old Danielle to them and that is okay, I know who I am and that’s all that truly matters.
I was trying so hard back then to force change. I was trying real hard to be better. I realize that I didn’t want to me me, I wanted to be a better version of myself.
I still think that.
I want to be the better version. So what does that say?
It says I don’t like me right now.
There is nothing wrong with me right now in this moment.
There are parts of me that I don’t like, for example, sometimes I can be very reactive. If I hate that part of me, it will never go away but more importantly I shouldn’t want it to go away. It is part of who I am so I should love it too. I need to concentrate on accepting who I am with love, all of me, the good and the bad for it all makes me human.
I have been trying so hard to fix me but the truth is, I am not broken.