This weekend I had plans to go visit my sister with the family, but we put that on hold because the oldest had a virus that got the best of him. Even though he felt better by Friday, we didn’t want to spread our germs any further; especially since my sister was going on a vacation this week, which she had been looking forward to for months. I was disappointed to say the least.
We all stayed home and proceeding to start tackling some household projects that we had been meaning to do for some time. The kids got to watch a lot of movies and while we were watching I was multitasking and having a good time. The youngest one got sick, but I didn’t panic like I normally do and we just continued on our way – hanging in the house, getting a good balance of relaxing and accomplishing a few things around the house we had been neglecting for a while.
Then I got sick Sunday night and spent all day in bed Monday. It was a beautiful Monday and as I looked out my window I thought quickly that it didn’t feel very fair for me to be stuck inside and that our great weekend hadn’t gone as great as I had planned; but, then I thought, actually it wasn’t that bad of a weekend. Being sick doesn’t feel all that great, but it did mean more movies and snuggles. We accomplished a lot around the house even though it didn’t feel like it was a lot at the time, and I got to spend the day in bed binge watching tv, which I never do but always want to.
Then I started thinking this past year every major holiday someone in this family was sick. The whole year I felt like various illnesses have ruined all the things I looked forward to. This is something I struggled with because I feel like I have missed the message here. I thought perhaps it was that I was looking forward to it too much and ignoring my present life. I don’t think that is wrong, I think that plays a part in it but the big issue is me not adopting to the change of events. When plans change, you need to be fluid, you need to adapt to the new plans. The last time illness disrupted our home, I thought I had done that, I thought I had adapted to the new plans but there was something I was missing: I was adapting with regret and anger, I was not looking on the brighter side of things.
I am not a natural optimist, I feel years of conditioning has left me to be critical and negative. One of the main reasons why I am negative is out of fear. I fear that if I am positive and have too many good things going for me then bad things will happen to compensate, so I shift my focus to that of negativity because when other negative things happen I am there already. This is a coping mechanism to shield myself from pain, to always be in pain. I grew up believing in the zero sum model, you can’t have good things happen to you without equal bad things coming to you too; so to avoid that bad thing pain, stay in a bad place and look at things in a negative light.
Really what’s going on is that I feel I am not worthy of the good, I dont love myself enough to believe that I am worthy to stay in the good. I know of a few people who always look on the brighter side of things and they are genuinely happy, and it doesn’t mean that bad things happen don’t happen to them, they just say : that hurt, but look what it brought, I would rather shower my attention to what it brought then the hurt. Allowing yourself the time to feel the hurt is important, but moving on from it is even more important.
These things take practice but I know in my heart I would rather be looking on the brighter side of things.