Do better

Lately we have purchased some big ticket items for the home, it has been a long time coming and saving but they are here and I have a desire for more.  This happens to me a lot, I’ll purchase new clothes and then start thinking about more things to purchase it to go with it. There seems to be an never ending list for the home, a never ending list for myself and an imaginary world I sometimes visit where money was so abundant I had no need to limit myself.

But if that world were real for me, I would also have no value for money and therefore not understand it’s true worth. I would be just consuming in mass amounts never being satisfied because none of those things brings you satisfaction .  Money does not bring true happiness, stuff does not bring you true happiness. 

There is an inner conflict within myself where I do not want things, I do not want to be a slave to things, and lists and production; I genuinely love the minimalist ideal.  The other side of the coin is that sometimes I do want things, want to fix my house, want to go out for dinner, want a new dress and I feel bad for wanting those things because I know deep down inside they won’t provide me with happiness.

I have issues with being satisfied with what I have.  After planning so long for the couch I was going to purchase, after getting it home, I started thinking about the next big ticket item I want to get. I am not enjoying what I have, I am thinking about how I can make everything in my home perfect. It’s like that for every issue in my life, there is always a never ending list of wants and little satisfaction for what I have. I have been ingrained with an “always try to do better” attitude and that is creating a world for me where I am never happy. I am never happy with what I have in any particular moment, I am always looking for a way to improve.

It’s not with just material possessions, but it’s also for experiencing life: I am always planning the next party, figuring out the next play date, the next experience,  instead of loving what I have or experiencing where I am.  I am always trying to do better and that is making me miss life, I am missing the point entirely. 

I struggle because having things to do adds some value to my life, so long as I am doing it with someone else or allowing myself to be creative. A creative project with the kids or chatting with my husband while we create a bench together is adding something to my life, but maybe that something is just a bi-product, maybe the time spent creating is the true something. When I try to fast forward through all that and just buy the end result, that is when I am left wanting more. It really is about the journey, no matter how small that journey may be, skipping to the end result will always leave you a bit hallow. 

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