Beauty

I went to reiki today and usually at the start of our session she has me pull a blessings card out of a pile. It’s a really nice little way to start treatment, it connects you with an angel with a particular blessings. Things I  have pulled in the past have been kindness, generosity, safety, and so on.  Today I pulled the card with a blessing of beauty and for a brief moment I thought , not me I am not beautiful and then I thought yes I am and when I shifted my focus I was filled with a very peaceful sense of happiness.

I know this particular blessing is for beauty all around me – in nature, in my friends, my family, my life and that makes me happy but it also is a way to reinforce self love and see myself for the beauty that I am.  

I often speak to myself in a way that I would never to a friend.  In loved ones I don’t see the imperfections they speak of just a beautiful person but have a hard time doing this for myself. I often see my imperfections and then chastise myself for them.

This card has been a very pleasant reminder to see myself, everyone and everything as beautiful, because we all are.  Going forward I would like to shift my focus to that of love and beauty.

❤️

Wishing it away 

When my oldest son was born I had a really bad habit of wishing time away, I always wanted the next thing, never truly appreciating the age he is currently.  When he was a baby I couldn’t wait for him to crawl, then he did, and I couldn’t wait for him to walk, then he did, then I couldn’t wait for him to talk, then he did. Each age was exciting but I was always waiting for the next one, then he started school, and suddenly as if overnight, he became a little man and I do regret wishing any time away.

I am lot more appreciative with my younger son because I am aware just how fast time can slip away and I need to really enjoy this age he is because it will probably be the last time I see it. I don’t intend on having anymore children so when an age passes with him, it’s likely the last time I will experience that age in our home.  Sometimes it makes me sad, but a lot of time time it brings me joy because I know I am actually enjoying it, instead of wishing it away.

Today was my oldest’s last day of school, it was his last day of kindergarten and now I am not wishing any time away, I am clinging to it like a mother to a baby because I know this is the last of his little-ness. Next year is grade one, it’s desks and more learning and a big step into academia, with each year submersing more and more. Kindergarten was a great “getting your feet wet” experience but now it’s time for school and that makes me a little sad, but also there is a little joy in celebrating this moment.

It wasn’t until I had children that I realized how quickly time does pass, I think it’s because you have a little human being growing and changing each day, your literally watching time through them and it can be a very sobering experience.  I am constantly seeing the world through their eyes and that is very humbling, it also causes me pause and wonder is this how my own mother saw it?  All the behind the scenes worry, love, stress, fears, anger, love and joy are all contained in a mother and their children knows not the depths, just the love and the experience. 

My children have brought me many things but insight is one I love the most. I am able to see things in such a different light now and experience things in a way I am grateful for every day.  As they grow I grow, as they learn I learn but how we grow and learn are very different and for that I am truly grateful. They are little parts of me shining light on me so I can experience myself in a much different way, a way that’s simply saturated in love.

Forgiveness

I no longer chase after the perfect friendships or even like minded people, because we find each other and when I get so focused on finding that perfect like minded person I tend to overlook a lot of beautiful people who surround me.  More importantly, I no longer fear any friendship or relationship in my life because I am realizing just how connected  we all are.  There are bits of me in you and bits of you in me; we are all one.

There are people in my life that once upon a time held a much more prominent role in my life but our paths have led us down different ways, and for a while I blamed them or even deemed them not to be worthy of a relationship; now I feel it’s time to truly move forward and I am ready.  In order to move forward, I feel like forgiveness and love is what is needed right now.   By giving them a chance and allowing them into my life, I am doing what I always wanted from this relationship but could never figure out how to make it work : freeing myself from them. 

By letting go of the past wrongdoings (perceived or not) I am able to unburden myself and allow myself to be free.  Freedom comes from true forgiveness. Holding on to grudges and past wrongdoings only weighs you down. By letting go of any expectations and truly accepting them into my life with love I am able to have a much different relationship then before; one where I can be me.  

By inviting these people into my life, my home and my heart I am connecting with them in ways in which connection lies.  I am seeing pieces of myself inside them and these are pieces that I no longer fear, these are pieces that are me, that I do in fact love and that need love.

Forgiveness and more importantly, love, is the only thing strong enough to break this chain that has been weighing me down for years and now that I can breathe I can detach myself from the outcome and simply exist.

The importance of sleep

Sleep is so important and I know that, it’s only when I don’t get any do I realize just how much it affects my life.

We are currently battling yet another virus in this household for what I hope is the last time before a nice long summer vacation.  It has kept the children from sleeping well as well as myself and hubby.  The night before last only got me a total of three hours of sleep as the youngest was up and just couldn’t settle.

I decided to pay close attention to what that did to me and it was really awful.  I felt sick periodically, I was full of raw extreme emotions (anger was a big one) and I wanted to take no part in a healthy lifestyle of both eating well and moving my body.  I was not myself and I was exhausted. 

Even without this virus my sleep habits haven’t been ideal lately and this virus keeping me from sleep, showed me just how important sleep is.  In these beautiful summer months our bedroom gets very bright in the early morning, birds are very loud – very close to us- very early and we all tend to wake up earlier.  

I have a few options to help me sleep better. One of those options is to have my windows closed and get some black out blinds, and I think I may do this from time to time but I do enjoy the fresh air at night instead of air conditioning and I much prefer my windows open.  Option two is to start going to bed much earlier.  I think on weekdays and just regular days I should start implementing this tactic.  The other thing I would like to do to start a better sleep pattern is to read only my books and write before I go to sleep.

I do read and write before I head to bed but then I pick up my phone or tablet and spend too much time on it catching up from the day and studies show that being on these devices can really disrupt your sleep. My true self needs to disconnect a little more. I think my mind is afraid of missing something but I catch what I need to.  If it’s important it gets dealt with, I need to continue to trust in that process. 

I have small children, I am not always going to be receiving the worlds most perfect sleep but if I accept that and implement some small changes on my part I can at least feel peace and rest.

Children, simply be.

I love both my sons, I love everything about them; yet there are things about them that bring about anxiety or concern in me.   My first born has a very active imagination and often makes up creative names for everything he does, he loves to do it. He will make up a name for something and insist that is the the name when he is with a friend. He also makes up stories from the past which haven’t really happened, things like “before mommy was born I was a living in the North”.   Not entirely true and we try to help him with distinctions and timelines but like all mothers I worry about him.  Could this be a sign of something? I don’t see many other children speaking like this, do I?  Thus anxiety seeps in. 

There is nothing wrong with him, I know this to be true, he is five and has a very active imagination – this is a good thing.  It’s a good thing he can think this creatively and hopefully it leads to a life full of creativity because in creativity I find happiness and he should too.

No the problem isn’t his creativity, it’s my box that I have put on him. I have a definition of a “normal” child and he isn’t fitting into it entirely.  If you read this blog you know that there is no such thing is normal, it’s too subjective in its definition and what I think should be normal you may not think at all.  There isn’t a one stop definition for normal that satisfies everyone so there is no point in trying to make it fit.

I know when I am doing this myself, I had no idea until recently that I was doing it to my children. 

Even my youngest can be a little spit fire, always challenging, diving in head first, head strong and he is only two! I had no idea I was concerned that his little spark of a personality was something I compared to other children and deemed him to be not normal as well.  This spark is a treasure and will lead him down a life full of adventure, great love, experience and life and I know that to be true but sometimes I look over at the child beside me and think “my little boy is not like him”.

Comparison really is the theif of joy. The things that cause me pause in my children are things that are beautiful and unique to them. I would never ever want them to be different than what they are now. I shouldn’t pause and wonder, I shouldn’t compare or concern, I should celebrate their beauty, for that is what it truly is.

It has taken me years to disconnect from the “what I should be” version of myself and wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  I want my boys to always be themselves uninhibited. I hope they never find  their “what I should be” versions of themselves and simply just be.

Embrace your wants

I often look at something that I feel I don’t like or is out of control and I try to understand the why, I try to understand the root and I try to bring awareness to it and hopefully find a solution.  I am always trying to find a solutions to things that frustrate me or qualities about myself that I don’t like or that don’t bring me happiness.

I am always trying to solve them.  

They don’t need to be solved, they simple need to be embraced.

Recently I have been frustrated by my financial gorging, and this desire so strong it transforms wants into needs.  I want so badly not to want and that’s where the problem lies. 
That’s where the conflict arises and I feel unhappiness and struggle.  I am not allowing myself to want or I am actually mad at myself for wanting; wanting a variety of things materialistic and non.  Everyone has wants; materialistic and non , it’s a matter of what you do with those wants.  Do you allow them to consume you or do you embrace them and understand them and set them free because   they are simply wants and not needs?

When you simplify it there are very few needs a person requires but a person can have lots of wants and that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it; allow it, express it but like everything else in life don’t live there, set it free and move forward. Perhaps over time the wants will have less controlling power and simply be a force in your life like anything else. 

Creative me

Lately I have been seeing a common pattern with myself – waiting for my white night to save me. It is appearing in different ways and the most common one has been excessive laziness on my part.  I have wanted to just take the shortcuts always buying my way to the end result.  Why make muffins when I can buy them. Someone else can save me from this task.

I’m missing the point, there is love and fun in making them things. I am getting caught up in the end result instead of enjoy the task at hand. 

Money can be a sore spot with me and in reality we have it in abundance but I always want more. If I had more of it I can do this, if I had more I could get that but those things would only stay good for a while until then I would want something else.

Even with doing tasks around the yard,  I am focusing on having them done dreaming of a way for someone to come do it for me so that it’s all complete. I am focusing on the completed take instead of doing the task, enjoying the task. I am not in short of things to work on at the house and they don’t even require money if I think creatively.

I think I have disconnected from myself because I have taken away my creativity through all these means.  I am not creatively making things I am buying them,  I am not coming up with creative budgets and activities for my finances and I am not thinking creatively in terms of projects around the house.

I am a creative person and by stifling my creativity it disconnects me from myself and leads me to a spot of unhappy laziness. Creativity can flow in many different ways, not simply making a craft but it can be something as I mentioned like creatively figuring out a budgeting solution.  Creativity is who I am and I need to allow myself to shine through. 

I have just figured out something I am missing a lot in my life, my creativity. 

The want 

The past few months have been busy, many celebrations, many visitors and things to do.  When life gets really busy, I look constantly for the shortcuts instead of slowing down and being real; money therefore gets spent much more than it normally does and that frustrates me.

Besides being frustrated by additional expenses, I get frustrated that I am living in a complicated world and only see the shortcuts.  A friend has a baby, I go buy food instead of making it, a relative comes from out of town, I spend absorbent amounts making them comforted through food and drink,  things I can make, I buy, and it makes me feel disconnected. I get caught up in that but the best things in life are simple.

I feel lately like I have overindulged in many ways, and it’s all very busy complicated vibrations; I need to take a step back and bring myself home to the simple life.  The minimilist inside me is begging for me to stop adding to the clutter and start being real again.  It’s not hard, just connect to those simple things and stop feeding the want.  The “want” wants more food, more things, more shortcuts, it wants to fast forward through everything and nothing will satisfy it.  The want is never full, so there is no point in feeding it.

It can be hard to connect to that simple me, but it is the real me; I just have to put down the want and enjoy life simply. 

The art of patience 

Patience is certainly not something that happens naturally for me, it is something I work on daily. I am a person who comes from a land of rush. I worked in jobs which had tight deadlines and quick response times, so I have done nothing in my life but feed this rush.   I find the rush leads to being busy and always wanting to be busy which leads to a life of constantly juggling while running to the finish line. Juggling while running to the finish line makes you miss the run itself, you don’teven realize there was a path that you were on and you miss so many things along the way. 

I constantly need to remind myself to slow down because I constantly get caught going to fast and become entirely task driven, that  makes me ignore any kind of present moment; essentially I let life pass me by. The art of being patience requires you to slow down. It requires you to let go of the rush and stop the glorification of being busy.  You are able to realize that it will get done, things will be accomplished but at a rate that’s better balanced with life. 

This was really exemplified today as I was gardening. I have a big back garden which is beautiful but requires a lot of up keep. Weeding, though not my favourite gardening chore, can be relaxing if I am patient and allow myself to simply weed.  My mind wants to rush through and get it all done quickly so I can have it all done now; but, when I do that I only do that and ignore other things in my life, I also often push my body to an uncomfortable extreme.  It’s a much better day when I weed a little bit, and balance my life with things I want to do, things that require my attention and things that are filled with love.  The weeding will get done bit by bit and the end result will be a better balanced version of myself instead of an over frazzled person who is completely disconnected.

There is no rush.

Life is full of back to back moments and if I enjoy those moments as the come I am experiencing life, I am living life instead of rushing through it. 

Reflection 

I look down at my body and see a body I am happy with.

I look at my reflection and see a body I am that brings me sadness. 

A reflection is simply that, reflecting,  but it is not true.  

Happiness is only found within you.