Love thyself

I have had two children, and I carried them very externally, meaning I get a big BIG belly when I am pregnant.  I have had people ask me if I am having twins, and some I think didn’t believe me when I said no.  They are not gigantic babies, nor am 

I a big person. I am petite framed coming in at a whopping 5 foot 2 inch height, my boys each weighed 8 and 7 pounds upon being born. This is just the way my body does pregnancy, putting it all out there.  It’s easier on my internal organs to carry that way but it is a nightmare for my belly skin.  Stretch marks were unavoidable for me, so was the gathering of loose skin in my stomach. It was a very small price to pay for two healthy and wonderful baby boys.

I think many of us women have a little pouch of skin around our bellies, even my super fit pre-pregnancy belly had a little pouch of fat and I was very healthy. I still am relatively healthy but I am much more lenient on myself in terms of treats and excercise.  My excercise is much more functional, incorporating it while tackling a chore or playing with the kids.  I eat healthy roughly 80% of the time and I am in a much happier spot then before when I was almost trying to punish myself with diet and excercise.

But…

I am ashamed of my belly- even though I know it was the result of my pregnancies, even though I know there is nothing (short of surgery which is not an option for me) I can do about it, even though I know I lead a relatively healthy lifestyle and I am nowhere near obese.  I am not fat. I have lumps and bumps in spots that will never really go away but I am doing very well. I value happiness much more now and won’t submit to a gruelling workout that I dislike, or starve myself to obtain the ideal shape others have deemed acceptable.  Or maybe it’s what I think I should be, which I decide by comparing myself to others around me, comparing is very dangerous. 

I am never happy with what I have; my body is not an exception to that. I hide behind loose clothing all the time and it just makes me appear bigger. I see women out there with lumps and bumps like me not hiding and they seem happy and confident, but I continue to hide in fear.

The truth is, I am not perfect and I am tired of trying to be, I am tired of trying to fit myself into the box I think I should be in, it doesn’t fit. I need to embrace my imperfections because they are mine and they are beautiful. I need to reconnect with myself, allow myself to be me, uninhibited.  I am not perfect, nobody is, but that’s the point, those imperfections are what makes us unique and beautiful, it’s what makes us human.  It’s time to stop hiding behind the veil and just be me, allow me to be seen, allow me to be whole. Yes my belly is wrinkly and a bit saggy, but it’s also a spot where a lot of hugs land, it’s beautiful and I need to stop hiding it, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, I am beautiful.

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