All or nothing

I am an all or nothing girl. I am either one direction or completely the opposite; finding a middle ground does not come naturally to me.  It is no surprise that my days often follow that all or nothing pattern: I am either all gun ho productivity or I am a lazy bum who can’t get her lazy bum into any kind of gear. I am rarely both during a day and I am often not that middle ground of just a little bit productivity and a little bit lazy, it’s all or nothing.

I am really hard on myself for both.  If I am going at a fast pace accomplishing things, I’ll be mad that I am not resting or taking a breath.  If I just am a blob all day I am mad that I haven’t accomplished anything. I would like a better balance.  I would like to live in a world where I am not such an extremist but have balance and most importantly acceptance for myself. That’s the real issue, accepting myself as I am in that moment instead of being mad at myself for a particular choice.  

The balance that I search for is one that incorporates some discipline while enjoying it in that moment.  Does that even make sense? I think so.  It’s not being so disciplined that I don’t enjoy life at all, not a place where I have to force myself to do everything; but one where I may have to convince myself to take the first step and learn to enjoy the rest of the steps along the way.

With me there is a spot where depression can lurk and it does require me to sometimes force myself to take those first steps but once I do I am in a much better place.  I need to remember that. 

I also need to be kind with myself as I find a better balance, a middle ground in which I can live my life with acceptance and peace.  Did I have a cupcake at the celebration ? Yes.  Am I going to keep feeling bad about it leading me into a slope of eating poorly and depression? No.  I’ll pick myself up and dust myself off and move into the next place.  It’s not over.  

It’s not all or nothing, it’s balance, it’s a little bit this and a little bit that. 

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