Wishing it away 

When my oldest son was born I had a really bad habit of wishing time away, I always wanted the next thing, never truly appreciating the age he is currently.  When he was a baby I couldn’t wait for him to crawl, then he did, and I couldn’t wait for him to walk, then he did, then I couldn’t wait for him to talk, then he did. Each age was exciting but I was always waiting for the next one, then he started school, and suddenly as if overnight, he became a little man and I do regret wishing any time away.

I am lot more appreciative with my younger son because I am aware just how fast time can slip away and I need to really enjoy this age he is because it will probably be the last time I see it. I don’t intend on having anymore children so when an age passes with him, it’s likely the last time I will experience that age in our home.  Sometimes it makes me sad, but a lot of time time it brings me joy because I know I am actually enjoying it, instead of wishing it away.

Today was my oldest’s last day of school, it was his last day of kindergarten and now I am not wishing any time away, I am clinging to it like a mother to a baby because I know this is the last of his little-ness. Next year is grade one, it’s desks and more learning and a big step into academia, with each year submersing more and more. Kindergarten was a great “getting your feet wet” experience but now it’s time for school and that makes me a little sad, but also there is a little joy in celebrating this moment.

It wasn’t until I had children that I realized how quickly time does pass, I think it’s because you have a little human being growing and changing each day, your literally watching time through them and it can be a very sobering experience.  I am constantly seeing the world through their eyes and that is very humbling, it also causes me pause and wonder is this how my own mother saw it?  All the behind the scenes worry, love, stress, fears, anger, love and joy are all contained in a mother and their children knows not the depths, just the love and the experience. 

My children have brought me many things but insight is one I love the most. I am able to see things in such a different light now and experience things in a way I am grateful for every day.  As they grow I grow, as they learn I learn but how we grow and learn are very different and for that I am truly grateful. They are little parts of me shining light on me so I can experience myself in a much different way, a way that’s simply saturated in love.

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