I do this thing where I look for my failures, actually I expect them daily as if it’s something I know is coming and loathe each day. As I go about my day, there is always a point where I don’t react in a way that I wanted to; I feel like I was too angry, to mean, it wasn’t coming from a place of love and then I say “I was doing so well…”. I am not really allowing myself to feel the angry, the mean, the sad, and I am finding what it does is send me into a place where I am mad at myself for being mad. That just produces more frustration and anger and before I know it I am living there.
I have started to allow myself these emotions, and when I do allow it, I don’t live there as much. I say to myself : I am angry, and the mere thought is often enough to diffuse it, sometimes it isn’t and I just let it be; when I accept it, name it and let it be I can move from it quickly. I think this is part of my on-going perfection recovering that I have been dealing with. I suppose I think I should be all happiness all the time and anything less is imperfection. Even though deep down inside I don’t want to strive for perfection my brain is constantly telling me that I do, I should.
I just need to keep practicing my new habits, and allow all emotions to simply be. I know perfection doesn’t really exist and I know that striving for it does nothing but provide anguish and frustration because I could never obtain it. So going forward I shall live in love, and sometimes in anger, if anything does surface, I’ll name it, and allow it to be.