Scope it out

I had my endoscopy yesterday, a test where they take a long tube with a camera on it and essentially shove it down your throat into your stomach to see what’s going on, and in my case take a little biopsy of the stomach to really see what’s going on.  I was nervous, but I was almost proud of myself that I didn’t live there. I had many moments here or there where I felt some fear or anxiety but I didn’t live there for weeks. The procedure itself wasn’t that bad but today and last night my stomach is sore.  I am sure having a camera in there and having a little tiny piece removed wouldn’t make it feel good and probably takes a couple of days to feel better again. 

Before the procedure began I spoke with my doctor and he informed me an ultrasound revealed some enlarged blood vessels on my liver, which is a thing and it’s not a big deal at all but they wanted to schedule an MRI to make sure that is indeed what it is. I panicked, not because of what it could be, but because of the test itself. I am a bit claustrophobic and though have made great strides to let go of this fear, I was paralyzed with it quickly as I thought of being trapped in a tube for a significant period of time.

This is where I feel some happiness and almost pride for myself.

I let myself feel that fear. I just let it be.  Then as I started to calm down I realized that if I close my eyes ahead of time and start to meditate I bet I can have this test with no problems.  Though it probably won’t be the ideal place for a meditation it will be a nice to have scheduled time for a nice long meditation.  Same with the endoscopy, though I am feeling pain and discomfort now and the procedure itself wasn’t the most fun I have had, I did get some time to rest and just be lazy and relaxed.  Though these things cause some discomforts there are some positives as well and that often translates into some quiet time for myself. 

I have had a few tests and the MRI appears to be the last one, but I feel like I am getting some answers to some questions and even if they aren’t the answers I had hoped for, and even if they aren’t even answers, I am finally asking the questions – I am using my voice and that in itself feels really good.

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