My husband has coached our son’s t-ball team this summer and has had a great time doing so. He is a very easy going person who enjoys a variety of activityand sports so it’s no wonder that coaching has been an enjoyable experience for him.
Tonight was their last scheduled game and my husband proceeded to invite the team over to our backyard in a few weeks for some snacks and fun. He went ahead and did it as it wasn’t a big deal to him, it was a big deal to me. I was upset because I wasn’t on board with the idea – fearing it would generate a lot of work for me on a weeknight and those are when I am the most tired. That’s not the real fear though, what’s really bothering me is trust and judgment.
I don’t trust everyone’s parents, truth is I don’t know them but my first reaction isn’t to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I have to observe you, you have to earn my trust. It’s how I was socialized, it was an incredibly skeptical world and today’s society has only added fuel to my fire. Fear mongering regarding trust is a big thing in today, you can’t trust anyone, you can’t be too careful. BUT, the thing is – I want to trust you. I want to welcome you with open arms with my heart full of love, it’s just decades of conditioning has made it hard. This is one of he harder things I have to overcome, learning to trust and learning to love everyone.
The other thing that popped into my fearful head about hosting this backyard party was judgment. This is perceived judgment from others. There are a few families on the team that are very affluent, with large homes and lifestyles to accompany them: I fear their judgment of my modest home. I fear my home is not that impressive. Even as I type this I know it really doesn’t matter but part of me wants to fix things up or make things perfect. I want to impress people I don’t really know and probably won’t see ever again and that makes no sense. I can never know what people truly think and even if they did find my home absolutely disgusting it’s my home not theirs and I love it; so if I love it then that is all that matters.
My husband thought none of those things when he invited everyone today. What he thought was what a great chance for the kids to play together some more and the parents to have some fun too. He thought, this will be fun and it will. Hubby has his moments where he can drive me insane but I do wish I can be more like him in the sense of going with the flow and welcoming everyone with open arms.
I have said it thousands of times but practice really does make perfect. So I will continue practicing ❤️