This week has been really hard to accept my true self. I have a lot of judgment and expectation of myself.
If I was skinny…
If I had more money…
If everyone liked me…
If my house were complete…
If I had a different job…
If I made lots of money…
I am not answering any of these out loud because I am ashamed of what comes after. The truth is I am thinking these thoughts and though I am not saying it out loud the answer is… I would be happy and at peace. I am relying on external expectations and experiences to try and bring more peace and happiness to my life. I am ashamed of this because I know external experiences do not bring about happiness or peace, and I should know better. That mere thought alone is where I fault lies, and my shoulds are running my life right now and I wish it to stop.
Awareness is the first and most important step. No blame, no judgment, no expectations, just simple awareness that is detached from all of those.
Happiness and peace can only be found internally and that can only be done by me. No other person can bring it, influence it, take it or experience it- it is simply mine to access and mine to have. Accessing this happiness and peace involves a mixture of self love, meditation and an understanding that I am whole. There is no good or bad inside me, there is just me – whole.
I will look at myself with love, forgiveness, understanding and peace and let go of all shoulds. Accepting me as I am exactly in this moment may seem difficult but it is not, this is who I am and accepting myself is only important to me. I want to see perfection but I know that does not exist. My mind is the one who wants to see perfection when I look in the mirror but my heart just wants to see love, my true self just wants to be love and to do that I must turn within and be that love.
I am often the one who initiates gatherings, it is my personality- I like to plan things and I like to do so with great friends but I often get frustrated when I am the one constantly doing so. I get frustrated sometimes when I feel like I am the only one putting effort into a budding or even established relationship.
Growing up I had some friendships that I didn’t enjoy but I maintained because I should. I had friends who seemed downright mean to me and who didn’t make me feel very good about myself but I continued onwards because I guess I valued the friend more than I valuesd myself.
Sometimes my present life can be no different. Sometimes I still try to force the friendship where one simply doesn’t exist just because I should. Or I choose a friend who often brings me down and I don’t want to admit it’s not the best possible fit so I continue to try to make it fit; because if I eliminated so many I would have very few left.
Perhaps I fear having no friendships. Perhaps I try too hard at my friendships and should just let life flow with ease but what if that person flows right out completely – maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
I often force relationships too much as I enjoy being around people but I can be conflicted at times because I can always find faults in my friendships and can transfix on these faults and let them eat me inside.
I often make friends with individuals but then have an indirectly hard time accepting them for who they truly are and wish I could modify their behaviour and help them be who I think they should be.
It’s their story, not mine.
There is a line between having someone make you feel truly awful and someone having a few personality traits that annoy or bother you. I often blur that line and get tangled into a web of – is this person really good for me? Should I continue this friendship?
Regardless if I am trying too hard forcing a friendship, fixating on qualities I feel aren’t good for me or I am truly experiencing a bad friendship the whole key to moving forward and just flow. Flow with what’s being thrown your direction and do no take it personally. These aren’t your battles to fight. If less contact on my part means a complete friend withdrawal that’s okay. None of this is personal and life is full of beautiful interactions if I will just let myself see it. Focus on the good, the beauty and love and just let it all flow.