I would be happy and peace

This week has been really hard to accept my true self. I have a lot of judgment and expectation of myself. 

If I was skinny…

If I had more money…

If everyone liked me…

If my house were complete…

If I had a different job…

If I made lots of money…

I am not answering any of these out loud because I am ashamed of what comes after.  The truth is I am thinking these thoughts and though I am not saying it out loud the answer is… I would be happy and at peace.  I am relying on external expectations and experiences to try and bring more peace and happiness to my life. I am ashamed of this because I know external experiences do not bring about happiness or peace, and I should know better.  That mere thought alone is where I fault lies, and my shoulds are running my life right now and I wish it to stop.

Awareness is the first and most important step.  No blame, no judgment, no expectations, just simple awareness that is detached from all of those. 

Happiness and peace can only be found internally and that can only be done by me. No other person can bring it, influence it, take it or experience it- it is simply mine to access and mine to have. Accessing this happiness and peace involves a mixture of self love, meditation and an understanding that I am whole.  There is no good or bad inside me, there is just me – whole. 

I will look at myself with love, forgiveness, understanding and peace and let go of all shoulds.  Accepting me as I am exactly in this moment may seem difficult but it is not, this is who I am and accepting myself is only important to me. I want to see perfection but I know that does not exist. My mind is the one who wants to see perfection when I look in the mirror but my heart just wants to see love, my true self just wants to be love and to do that I must turn within and be that love.

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