Releasing the Past

I had lunch today with a few people who I used to work with.  I realized today that it has been three years since I quit my job and started this part of my life. One of them asked if I had any regrets and honestly, I have none. I don’t have a single regret about quitting my job and staying home with my kids.

On my way to the lunch I realized that I was a little apprehensive.  I was concerned that all those insecurities, those anxieties that I used to experience around these people would surface again and perhaps I wouldn’t enjoy this lunch as much as I would have liked to. I arrived feeling a little anxious but that quickly passed and I sat down and sunk into myself.

I was able to be myself without any restrictions or anxieties, it was refreshing. I actually had a great time and sincerely look forward to the next time.  That’s when it hit me, I have released the path and can look back now with love instead of contempt and angst.

Time heals all wounds.

Now I look back with a happy detachment. That life before wasn’t right for me, but that doesn’t make it wrong, it just makes it wrong for me. I learned a lot from it and now can move forward in love.

 

 

New definition 

I came from the doctors yesterday with hopeful optimism.  After listening to her go over my tests results she assured me that they had found nothing. At that moment I felt happy and sad at the same time because I don’t want anything to be wrong with me but I am often in discomfort. It wasn’t all in my head I explained, it happens with certain foods and yes stress has a very big impact on it but it isn’t merely psychological. 

She agreed, the pain I feel is very real, she assured me that it wasn’t a psychological illness though there was a psychological component to it. She said what likely was happening was that my stomach had gone through a major painful experience with the h.pylori ulcer like symptoms. During that period of time I ate things that caused it to flare up, the list was large but my pain receptors in my stomach are firing when I still eat those items still today, even though there is nothing really bothering it. Essentially I am having stomach pains where I shouldn’t, it’s a neuropathic issue which is causing some very real pain. 

I accept that analysis because I feel that to be true. My pain now is very different then my pain then and everything just feels different. Though the analysis didn’t provide any instant relief or concrete solutions it did give me some relief in terms of undersrandment. 

So where does that leave me? Well she provided a few options in which I can proceed.  First she told me there are some medications I could take and it may work but it would be something I would take constantly. I couldn’t go off it very easily and it may lead to a lifetime dependence on various  pharmaceutical drugs to help ease the pain. It may never remove the pain entirely,  just help take the edge off and the side effects aren’t major but could be inconvenient. 

I could try other means such as meditation and other cognitive behaviour therapies if I wanted but those I would pursue on my own and take time.

My pain and discomfort is mild in comparison to some and I am just not ready to pursue a pharmaceutical definitive – that being said I may go down that road. I have a new definition for what is going on in my stomach and I would like to pursue my own journey of discovering ways to heal or to live in a new way. 

Part of me wants the quick fix and just to take the pill. It won’t necessarily heal me or provide total relief, I don’t know but I do know when and if I pursue that avenue it will be the start of a road I am notentirely comfortable  walking down.  It’s a long road full of a variety of medications, a band aid solution at best. I may go down that road but I am not ready just yet.

There is a lot to process right now but I do have a bit of understanding and now I start the process of change. No matter which way I go I change, and the time has come to embrace that.

See me

I want to see you for you

Not for how you appear

I want to be me for me

Not out of fear
I want to experience love

Unconditional and free

I want to experience bliss

Transcended into me

Experience internal love

I know that unless I learn to love myself as I am, in this moment, I will never have that love for myself. I know that if I were  to have no health issues, no body issues, to weigh a certain weight and look a certain way, that wouldn’t necessarily gain me any more love for myself than I feel right now.  Even if I lost weight, toned up, and had no stomach issues at all I wouldn’t necessarily be a happier person. Odds are I wouldn’t love myself anymore than I do now-  I would find something else to be critical over and really it would never be enough.

The key right now to learning to love and accept myself is to love and accept myself exactly how I am in this moment. 

I have struggled with body images and now I am starting to try to understand them a little bit more. Going past a mirror and looking at myself with hatred for the way my body looks now is causing me nothing but confliction and torment. I don’t want to, but everytime I pass a mirror I glance at my body and note how it is, more often than not, I hate what I see and I berated myself for it. I see the body and I immediately spring into action – I must now diet, I must start exercising with intensity, I must get rid of what I see and it has to be gone now.  I am actually embarrassed of how I look. I care what you think of me, in fact I think that what you think of me is directly tied into the way I look. 

I know that’s not right.

I’ve read the average woman is a size 12 but those size 12 images aren’t what we are saturated with daily. Images of size 2’s and size 0’s are what we see in movies, on tv, in magazines and they are all telling us: this is what you need to look like. It starts when we are so young – mould to this standard and life will be well for you.  It is no wonder many of us die trying to get to that image.  For those of us who have been there, has it brought you anymore happiness? It certainly did not for me. I wasn’t any happier being a size 2, I just had one less thing to worry about; but what if I addressed the worrying more than the body image, that may lead to a place of understanding and acceptance. What if I addressed why I needed to look that way, why I needed you to approve of me – maybe then I could understand myself better and learn to let go. Did I really have one less thing to worry about when I was a size 2, no, I found something new to take its place, always critical, always self-deprecating. 

Underneath all the worry and doubt lies a little girl who is constantly told that as an individual she is not good enough, she needs to have everyone else tell her what to be, what to look like and how to act because their opinions matter more than her individuality.  That idea is false, but decades worth of being told that can lead you to this place of self doubt and hatred where you can take up permanent residence very easily. 

So how do you break free? It’s easy and really hard at the same time, you learn to think for yourself, and learn to embrace all that you are in this present moment, so easy but it can be so hard. You stop trying to look at the physical and you start looking at your internal beauty.  You start telling yourself that you do love yourself, even though sometimes you say that you’re not even sure you believe it and that makes you sad. It take time, it take love and it takes a large amount of patience.

I am not saying just sit there and eat junk food and not move, that’s not the message here today, I encourage you to move your body a bit, eat what fuels you in many ways and works for your body but do it from a place of love, do it without comparing yourself to anyone else. If you existed all by yourself, and had no other women to compare yourself too I doubt you would look at your physical body with as much distaste as you do now.  When you understand that you do live that way, independent from anyone else and that their ideals and images can’t affect you unless you let them, then the world starts to open up.  

It doesn’t matter what you look like, it never will, it is who you are internally that people are truly drawn too, it’s that which feels connection, it’s that which loves and it is that which focus should reside. What you bring awareness to grows, so bring your attention internally, that is where you live and your physical body is merely a sub category. Your body is a vessel, something to transport that inner beauty around, if you take care of it the way that it needs it, based on your own personal needs than it will continue to provide a vessel in which the real you can truly experience.  

Leaving a legacy

Sometimes I feel like I am going to do such great things in my life, and that makes me concentrate on the word “going” – as if it hasn’t happened yet. It’s okay for me to aspire, to grow and change and to be happy for the future but I need to give myself some credit in the now.

I was thinking the other day one of my many dreams is to become a writer, to be successful and enjoy actual material gains from it.  I thought that my writing could help others like me and I could really make an impact in this world.  My children would read my books, articles, etc..and would be able to access my thoughts preserved in time. Plus it would feel fantastic to actually make a little money doing something I really enjoyed.

Think of the  impact I could have, think of the great things I could do.

Then a thought crossed my mind this morning: you are doing that, you are doing all of that!

Am I making money from my writings? No BUT it’s starting to not matter anymore ; the real drive behind my writings is to help myself and others through vulnerable moments of life. The deep impact I wanted to make in life is happening, maybe not on a giant scale that I might have thought but it is happening.  My children, their children, and their children’s children will be able to access this blog and any of my other writings and have that glimpse into my mind. I am helping myself and others by sharing my personal experience and thoughts. Everyone takes away something different from text and that resonates to you in a way that’s important to you. 

I am indeed making a big impact, we all are, we just sometimes need to see that impact in a different light to realize just how great the things we are doing are in life. 

I am doing great things, I am making a mark in time, so are you whether you realize it or not;and I hope you do realize it because that will fuel you moving forward. I have been searching for what I already have, now it’s time to appreciate it, be grateful for it and revel in the fact that I am leaving a tremendous legacy. 

Our parents

One line my mother would say to me growing up was “someday you will just be like me and someday you’ll have a kid just like you”.  It would infuriate me as I did not want to become her and if I had a child like me I would approach things differently. 

I should stop now and clarify; my mother is not a bad person, not at all; she is a kind, generous, loyal and loving person – all of which I am happy to take on but there were some issues with anxiety and she was quick to lose her composure (a negative side effect of passionate people).  There was never anything even close to abuse and she did a fantastic job raising me, especially given her circumstances and roots.   I wouldn’t change a single thing but as every generation advances we are bent on improving ourselves, making ourselves that level higher than the previous – we want to correct the adherent defects from our parents; and I am no different. 

It’s a fine line between parent and child – as we aren’t our parents but we are given life from them and therefore the seed of life is coming from them. We are able to adapt and change and grow but the seed is a base point in which we may dip into when we have no time to brace ourselves for quick response or uncertainty. 

Until having children of my own I have never given much consideration to this, I also think I couldn’t understand with the same complexity that I can as a parent myself. My point of view has change slightly and it’s because I can now see it from the point of view of a parent.

The qualities of myself that frustrate me come from my parents, the qualities about my parents that frustrate me do so because I recognize them in myself and do not want to.  Conflict arrises internally as I default to that behaviour and I do not wish it to be.

This isn’t a post about blame though because though their seeds were planted it is I who waters them daily now.  If there is an undesirable emotion or response it’s up to me to bring awareness to it and let it go. It can be frustrating to be inundated with that same frustrating negative emotion or behaviour currently but once you make peace with it and let it to pass through you it allows it to remain with the individual and not yourself.  I think it takes a little practice but it’s not impossible to master. 

I understand now where some of my defaults come from and that helps me to recognize them and bring awareness to them. With time I will learn to default in another way.  I think with that understanding I can be quite grateful for everything provided to me. Like anything in life the good is only seen as good when it has the bad to compare it to. Everything in life has balance and that includes all that my parents have bestowed upon me. I am grateful for it all and now I hope to move forward in a place of love and understanding as I can finally make peace with this all and be free.

Let go

What’s holding me back is me.

I fear the future and cling to the past.

I do not want to let her go.

If I do, I may fall.

But if I do, I may soar.

I cannot fly if I won’t jump.

It may be bumpy. 

But there will always be love.

Let go.

Breathe .

Inner turmoil

I have had a few frustrated days and weeks with my stomach. It’s clear to me now that my stomach will flare with stress, and that my stomach conditions aren’t merely physical ailments ; but, I suppose that’s not much of a big surprise. I suppose part of me didn’t believe the extent of stress effecting my stomach but I have no doubt in my mind my stomach isn’t a physical issue it is much deeper than that. There are foods that cause pain and flare up, but there are many other factors that come into play, more so then I would like to admit. 

Lately I have been conflicted in myself. I want to be one way but I am not and I believe this conflict is manifesting itself physically in the form of stomach pain.  I want to be a being of love and acceptance but I am not always.  There is also conflict within my body: I want to be healthy and eat and exercise any way I choose but I feel like there are so many limitations and I can’t. My physical body, my spiritual existence, my financial situation, my career – I honestly don’t like any of them and want them to be different and that perhaps that is the main issue here.

The main issue I believe is about accepting my life as it is and loving it; or rather the lack of; but, it’s goes deeper than mere acceptance it’s about my limitations and seeing those limitations as limits rather as new paths being enlightened.  I understand this. I really want to make peace with this but sometimes I get so caught up in the restrictions I just get frustrated with me as a whole and that leads me to hate myself.  

I can’t do things I did in the past, but I am not the person I was before so I need to accept that .  The safety net is gone and I have gone down this path of enlightenment and actually can’t go back. Perhaps this is a fail safe helping me stick to my true path.  Perhaps it’s an important lesson in which I must learn. All I know now is the conflict inside me, the discomfort I physically feel and the frustration from it all. I’m not entirely sure how it translates or exactly what I’m to understand from all of this but I do know I’m on some sort of path which will change my life in a way that I won’t be able to go back, and that’s something I need to embrace instead of fear. 

Good enough

I never feel good enough. Though I try, I am constantly bombarded by feelings of guilt, worry and self-loathing. Seems a little bit harsh but it’s true.

I feel guilty because I don’t feel good enough. Am I a good enough mother? Am I a good enough wife? Am I a good enough friend? Am I a good enough daughter? Am I a good enough sister?  I feel guilt because I don’t feel like I am. I constantly feel that I am failing on so many fronts and it all leads to guilt. I should have done that differently, I shouldn’t have raised my voice, I shouldn’t feel anger at her, the list of shoulds and shouldn’t have’s is endless but the guilt, that’s in full supply.

I am in a constant state of worry.  I am worried that I am late, worried what you’ll think of me, worried about the circumstance, worried about the outcome, I am worried I am not doing it right. The worry feeds the guilt and the supply is endless.  Worry can lead to panic, it will lead me down a physical road of headaches, stomach pains and discomfort – it is no place to be.

It’s all coming from a place of self loathing, I don’t want to but I often hate myself. I am too fat, not smart enough, don’t apply myself enough, the list goes on and on but if I were to come up with a list of things I love about myself it would take much longer to produce. I can tell you something about myself that I hate, but it’s hard for me to think of something off the top of my head that I love.

I don’t want to be this way.

Therein lies the conflict: I don’t want to worry, but I do. I don’t want to feel guilt, but I do. I don’t want to hate myself, but I do.  I am constantly in a battle with myself about feelings that I feel which I don’t want to feel.  I don’t want to look in the mirror In disgust, but the thought flashes before I have  even looked. I don’t want to feel guilt about my mothering skills, but as I sit down to talk to my son I feel like I have failed before I have even opened my mouth.  I don’t want to worry about what you think, if I am late, how I live my life, my physical conditions, my emotional conditions but I am worrying before I even realize I am worrying.

It’s become habit that it happens automatically, the problem is now I am aware it’s happening and I don’t like it, in fact I want it to stop and I want it to stop now.   Its not a simple fix though, I can’t pull off this bandaid and be well, I must heal slowly, with love and patience.  One step at a time, recognizing what it is in that moment without judgment will cause me to pause and in that pause I can find love. With time and practice I can experience love fully and maybe one day learn to love myself again whole-heartedly.