I am having a pity party tonight.
Maybe it’s that my oldest son is in grade one now and I feel not needed as much.
Maybe it’s friends rejoining the workforce or my awesome teaching buddies back to school/work.
Maybe it’s friends who have gotten cool new jobs, jobs that I would like, jobs that I totally would rock and …why are they being hired and doing great things?
Maybe it’s people becoming writers ; but wait, that’s my thing!
Maybe it’s the endless supply of junk food I have been eating to compensate for this and it’s just making me feel big and worse.
Maybe it’s all these things, but I am just feeling useless. Not just that but I think I feel left out. Eveeyone is out there doing great things and I am here feeling like I am doing none. I often think I am capable of such great things if I could only figure that out and do it.
I was just saying that I love being a stay at home mom, and how grateful I am that I got to experience so many firsts with my children, that I am not sure I could ever go back to work, certainly not the 9-5 way I used to that is for sure.
But still…I am jealous.
I am jealous of all the people participating in real life, being really great, some doing awesome things that I always saw myself doing but instead I am just here not participating at all.
I feel left out.
I have no other friends who stay at home full time like me, in my world I am a rarity and when everyone heads back to school and work and acquires new amazing positions I feel pretty lonely. I feel left out of the real world.
Comparison is really the theif of joy and right now with all the comparing I am doing I am left with feeling no joy and a lot of inadequate feelings.
Sometimes you have to have moments like this, they may last a little while, I am acknowledging them, I am not pushing them away, I am welcoming them and when they are ready to leave I’ll let them go gently.
Though I may be in a pitty party, this party has really progressed.