I never feel good enough. Though I try, I am constantly bombarded by feelings of guilt, worry and self-loathing. Seems a little bit harsh but it’s true.
I feel guilty because I don’t feel good enough. Am I a good enough mother? Am I a good enough wife? Am I a good enough friend? Am I a good enough daughter? Am I a good enough sister? I feel guilt because I don’t feel like I am. I constantly feel that I am failing on so many fronts and it all leads to guilt. I should have done that differently, I shouldn’t have raised my voice, I shouldn’t feel anger at her, the list of shoulds and shouldn’t have’s is endless but the guilt, that’s in full supply.
I am in a constant state of worry. I am worried that I am late, worried what you’ll think of me, worried about the circumstance, worried about the outcome, I am worried I am not doing it right. The worry feeds the guilt and the supply is endless. Worry can lead to panic, it will lead me down a physical road of headaches, stomach pains and discomfort – it is no place to be.
It’s all coming from a place of self loathing, I don’t want to but I often hate myself. I am too fat, not smart enough, don’t apply myself enough, the list goes on and on but if I were to come up with a list of things I love about myself it would take much longer to produce. I can tell you something about myself that I hate, but it’s hard for me to think of something off the top of my head that I love.
I don’t want to be this way.
Therein lies the conflict: I don’t want to worry, but I do. I don’t want to feel guilt, but I do. I don’t want to hate myself, but I do. I am constantly in a battle with myself about feelings that I feel which I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to look in the mirror In disgust, but the thought flashes before I have even looked. I don’t want to feel guilt about my mothering skills, but as I sit down to talk to my son I feel like I have failed before I have even opened my mouth. I don’t want to worry about what you think, if I am late, how I live my life, my physical conditions, my emotional conditions but I am worrying before I even realize I am worrying.
It’s become habit that it happens automatically, the problem is now I am aware it’s happening and I don’t like it, in fact I want it to stop and I want it to stop now. Its not a simple fix though, I can’t pull off this bandaid and be well, I must heal slowly, with love and patience. One step at a time, recognizing what it is in that moment without judgment will cause me to pause and in that pause I can find love. With time and practice I can experience love fully and maybe one day learn to love myself again whole-heartedly.