Inner turmoil

I have had a few frustrated days and weeks with my stomach. It’s clear to me now that my stomach will flare with stress, and that my stomach conditions aren’t merely physical ailments ; but, I suppose that’s not much of a big surprise. I suppose part of me didn’t believe the extent of stress effecting my stomach but I have no doubt in my mind my stomach isn’t a physical issue it is much deeper than that. There are foods that cause pain and flare up, but there are many other factors that come into play, more so then I would like to admit. 

Lately I have been conflicted in myself. I want to be one way but I am not and I believe this conflict is manifesting itself physically in the form of stomach pain.  I want to be a being of love and acceptance but I am not always.  There is also conflict within my body: I want to be healthy and eat and exercise any way I choose but I feel like there are so many limitations and I can’t. My physical body, my spiritual existence, my financial situation, my career – I honestly don’t like any of them and want them to be different and that perhaps that is the main issue here.

The main issue I believe is about accepting my life as it is and loving it; or rather the lack of; but, it’s goes deeper than mere acceptance it’s about my limitations and seeing those limitations as limits rather as new paths being enlightened.  I understand this. I really want to make peace with this but sometimes I get so caught up in the restrictions I just get frustrated with me as a whole and that leads me to hate myself.  

I can’t do things I did in the past, but I am not the person I was before so I need to accept that .  The safety net is gone and I have gone down this path of enlightenment and actually can’t go back. Perhaps this is a fail safe helping me stick to my true path.  Perhaps it’s an important lesson in which I must learn. All I know now is the conflict inside me, the discomfort I physically feel and the frustration from it all. I’m not entirely sure how it translates or exactly what I’m to understand from all of this but I do know I’m on some sort of path which will change my life in a way that I won’t be able to go back, and that’s something I need to embrace instead of fear. 


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