One line my mother would say to me growing up was “someday you will just be like me and someday you’ll have a kid just like you”. It would infuriate me as I did not want to become her and if I had a child like me I would approach things differently.
I should stop now and clarify; my mother is not a bad person, not at all; she is a kind, generous, loyal and loving person – all of which I am happy to take on but there were some issues with anxiety and she was quick to lose her composure (a negative side effect of passionate people). There was never anything even close to abuse and she did a fantastic job raising me, especially given her circumstances and roots. I wouldn’t change a single thing but as every generation advances we are bent on improving ourselves, making ourselves that level higher than the previous – we want to correct the adherent defects from our parents; and I am no different.
It’s a fine line between parent and child – as we aren’t our parents but we are given life from them and therefore the seed of life is coming from them. We are able to adapt and change and grow but the seed is a base point in which we may dip into when we have no time to brace ourselves for quick response or uncertainty.
Until having children of my own I have never given much consideration to this, I also think I couldn’t understand with the same complexity that I can as a parent myself. My point of view has change slightly and it’s because I can now see it from the point of view of a parent.
The qualities of myself that frustrate me come from my parents, the qualities about my parents that frustrate me do so because I recognize them in myself and do not want to. Conflict arrises internally as I default to that behaviour and I do not wish it to be.
This isn’t a post about blame though because though their seeds were planted it is I who waters them daily now. If there is an undesirable emotion or response it’s up to me to bring awareness to it and let it go. It can be frustrating to be inundated with that same frustrating negative emotion or behaviour currently but once you make peace with it and let it to pass through you it allows it to remain with the individual and not yourself. I think it takes a little practice but it’s not impossible to master.
I understand now where some of my defaults come from and that helps me to recognize them and bring awareness to them. With time I will learn to default in another way. I think with that understanding I can be quite grateful for everything provided to me. Like anything in life the good is only seen as good when it has the bad to compare it to. Everything in life has balance and that includes all that my parents have bestowed upon me. I am grateful for it all and now I hope to move forward in a place of love and understanding as I can finally make peace with this all and be free.