I came from the doctors yesterday with hopeful optimism. After listening to her go over my tests results she assured me that they had found nothing. At that moment I felt happy and sad at the same time because I don’t want anything to be wrong with me but I am often in discomfort. It wasn’t all in my head I explained, it happens with certain foods and yes stress has a very big impact on it but it isn’t merely psychological.
She agreed, the pain I feel is very real, she assured me that it wasn’t a psychological illness though there was a psychological component to it. She said what likely was happening was that my stomach had gone through a major painful experience with the h.pylori ulcer like symptoms. During that period of time I ate things that caused it to flare up, the list was large but my pain receptors in my stomach are firing when I still eat those items still today, even though there is nothing really bothering it. Essentially I am having stomach pains where I shouldn’t, it’s a neuropathic issue which is causing some very real pain.
I accept that analysis because I feel that to be true. My pain now is very different then my pain then and everything just feels different. Though the analysis didn’t provide any instant relief or concrete solutions it did give me some relief in terms of undersrandment.
So where does that leave me? Well she provided a few options in which I can proceed. First she told me there are some medications I could take and it may work but it would be something I would take constantly. I couldn’t go off it very easily and it may lead to a lifetime dependence on various pharmaceutical drugs to help ease the pain. It may never remove the pain entirely, just help take the edge off and the side effects aren’t major but could be inconvenient.
I could try other means such as meditation and other cognitive behaviour therapies if I wanted but those I would pursue on my own and take time.
My pain and discomfort is mild in comparison to some and I am just not ready to pursue a pharmaceutical definitive – that being said I may go down that road. I have a new definition for what is going on in my stomach and I would like to pursue my own journey of discovering ways to heal or to live in a new way.
Part of me wants the quick fix and just to take the pill. It won’t necessarily heal me or provide total relief, I don’t know but I do know when and if I pursue that avenue it will be the start of a road I am notentirely comfortable walking down. It’s a long road full of a variety of medications, a band aid solution at best. I may go down that road but I am not ready just yet.
There is a lot to process right now but I do have a bit of understanding and now I start the process of change. No matter which way I go I change, and the time has come to embrace that.