Today is my wedding anniversary – a date I celebrate not only the day we got married but all the time my husband and I have been together. I’d like to use this moment to just say how grateful I am that we’ve experienced all that we have together. I have and continue to learn and grow from our relationship in many different ways. It may seem ironic but in our relationship, with his loving encouragement I have had the opportunity to find myself and start reconnecting with my true self. We may not see eye to eye on everything but I am not short of encouragement in my life’s journeys.
I find right now we are currently in a period of evolving both personally and subsequently our relationship, changing into something new and better connected to true source. It’s not always easy but it’s through these lessons we learn to find a deeper connection personally and together.
This is a beautiful time in our lives about growth, about change and about finding yourself. The truth is there isn’t anything to find, it’s always been right there under the surface waiting for awareness, waiting for love.
Sometimes I get myself into some new and beautiful soul uplifting habits. I often feel energized and alive doing these new things and it really connects me to my self. I start looking at life differently and start experiring things on a higher vibration; and sometimes in amongst all this wonder I suffer from a spiritual superiority complex.
Essentially I feel like I have my shit together and I am doing everything right, and I am kind of better than you. I am not. I am not better or worse off, I am just different. For a while I have seen many people in my life in terms of hierarchy, a friend who is vibrating on a much higher level – she is doing better than me, a friend who is new to awareness – she is doing worse than me. I feel the need to assign some sort of rank to everyone in relations to where I perceive myself to be. I see the amount of time you’ve spent in awareness as time spent learning and that total amount of time somehow determines your amount of awareness or where I put you in my hierarchy.
We are all on different paths but leading to the same place, it doesn’t matter how we get there or who is on the lead, just that we continue on our own personal journey. I know deep in my heart and soul the only truth is the one I can perceive, the only truth is the one for me, the only truth is what I experience and feel; it’s completely mine and mine alone. All that I do, feel, and experience is just for me so a hierarchy doesn’t really make sense now in this context.
We all have something to learn from someone else and we all have something to teach, the trick is to open yourself up enough to receive lessons from everyone and everything. They are all around, so a hierarchy makes no sense because a lesson and love can come from anywhere
. Like everything in life the goal is to move freely with flow and ease and you can’t do that if you have restrictions and labels on everything. If you can see everything with love, then you can see everything.
A good friend is someone you don’t compete with – you love them, respect them and stand by them no matter what. A good friend is someone you can truly connect with, without judgement, and let it all hang out. A good friend is someone you can be your authentic self with and not hold back.
As I am learning to be my authentic self with everyone in my life I realize when you live your life authentically, the people who stick close to you are all good friends. All friends should be good friends and if they are not send them some love and let go.
I can count on one hand my friends, I have many acquaintances but only a few I count as friends, real genuine friends, and that actually brings me great joy to write that. Five years ago I wouldn’t even admit that out loud let alone type it for the world to see.
Allowing myself to be vulnerable is bringing me into myself and the deeper I go into myself the more I connect to true authentic love and happiness. The more I expose myself, the more I am learning to connect with others and experience myself in a raw and beautiful way.
This is why I blog.
I put it out there and you connect in a way that works for you. I do not believe in pretending all is perfect because life has ups and downs and if we can connect in the ups AND the downs then we can experience our authentic selves uninhibited.
And that’s my goal: to experience everything in this raw way, this beautiful way, this authentic way.
I am angry that I am angry.
I am angry that I am not the way I thought I would be. I thought I would be this peaceful loving awesome parent and person and half the time in life I feel like all I am doing is suppressing anger.
I am not an angry person. No one in my circle would be able to tell you that I am but I feel anger a lot – more than I would like, more than I am willing to admit.
Anger aside, I often feel like I am becoming someone who I don’t want to be but for the life of me can’t figure out what to do to stop it, and I am desperate to stop it.
This is where my conflict lies wanting to be one thing and actually being another.
Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
I am on repeat.
I am constantly battling this particular conflict, I know I should embrace it all and for brief moments I do and then I slip back into old habits and begin the conflict all over again: hating me now and wanting to be something else. The key is acceptance, the key is awareness but I keep misplacing the key to be left out in the cold again.
Then I get angry.
Then it starts again.
Doomed to repeat until I learn.
When night falls, so does my courage. This isn’t to say that I am afraid of the dark, no if only it were that simple, when all light is lost from the sky, all my confidence and courage go with it. I am often left with doubt and fear in my choices I made during the day.
Perhaps it’s because at night is when I am left with solitude to review my decisions and choices during the day, when its just me by myself I start listening to my ego and worst more, start believing it. I believe I am not worthy, I am not capable or able. I often am more fearful at night for anything because I cannot see, physically and spiritually inside myself.
My lack for love for myself has no where to hide at night, and I can no longer pretend anymore. I end this cycle promising to be more gentle with myself each morning, trying to find love for myself, but it is when I am the weakest at night that I must look deep inside and find that love for myself.
This nighttime vulnerability is a sensitive time, where I can be penetrated quite easily with doubt, hate, fear and self loathing but because of its vulnerability if I probe a bit deeper I can connect with that self love deep inside myself when I need it the most.
With time, practice and connection I can re-establish that love that is always there and that is what I must touch when night falls.