Be the good

Today I went to pick up a Christmas present for my children at IKEA. The little one was with me and was happy to draw on one of their little electronic creation stations, so much that he didn’t want to leave.  As I was in the midst of trying to persuade him to our next location the man beside me started yelling at the poor customer service representative. He clearly didn’t follow the directions, but maintained that it was not his job to do so and everyone there was stupid and useless. I tried not to listen to him, I really did, then I could see the exacerbation on that poor woman’s face and I could feel it inside me, that firery passion that just wanted to shout at this man. I’ve worked in customer service in the past, it is no easy task, and as much as it pains me to say, there are many people who like to treat those who work in these positions in a really negative way.  

I really wanted to yell at him, I really did. 

Then I looked at my son.

I don’t want him to grow up in this world of hate. If that’s my true wish, then it needs to start with me, I need to be the good.  What I am feeling right now, I said to myself,  is passion, it’s energy that’s completely full ; I can either use it in a negative way or I can use it in a very positive way. 

I thanked everyone again in the store and smiled at the man and told him to have a nice day. He looked down and mumbled, who knows what,  but I walked out of the store with a smile on my face. My immediate thought was that I shouldn’t have told him to have a nice day, I should have told him where to go.  All I could really say to myself then is hate isn’t cured with more hate. I was still a little shaken when I got him, frustrated that people can be so mean in this world but now that I have had some time to think about it and mull it over I really do believe that as hard as it may be, meeting these type of people with love is a better course of action.  It may take me a little practice but I would rather be the good.

My lessons 

Lately the kids have had everything from the stomach flu to strep throat, with them being sick more than being well this has led to many sleepless nights.  These illnesses have been going on since school began in September it is on the verge of being ridiculous. I am a big believer on life throwing things to you again and again until you understand and accept the lessons provided from it.  This morning I sat down and put some real thought into it and I have come up with some real lessons that are sinking in.

I want to start off by saying that this will continue to be a constant in my life for years as the children grow. Kids get sick a lot and I honestly can’t stop it. 

Which brings me to lesson one: patience. This is going to happen, a lot, I need to tap into my patience not only in the moment but future moments, it will be years until they reach a state where school and groups don’t provide so many awful illnesses.  In the moment I also need to be patient, it will pass and though at times it could be weeks of a particular illness, it will pass.

The next lessons screaming to me is one I have been trying to gain practice in- find yourself and connect to yourself in amongst the storm.  There is always going to be something, some drama, some illness, I need to stand strong inside myself. That means taking time for me, seeing friends, getting out, having a bath, exercise, eating well, being positive. The trick is that doing all those things are really hard in amongst the chaos but if you do then you can stand really strong as you brave the storm.

The third lesson screaming to me right now is to simply roll with it, and this doesn’t mean giving up, it means recognizing what’s happening, accepting what’s happening and being fluid in that moment.  The things you hoped to accomplish that day will in fact have to wait but don’t give up on it completely, just do them in the right moment in right time within you.

I understand my lessons and the trick isn’t merely to recognize it, it’s to continue to understand and practice them as they come up.  As I make peace with my lessons, I will have peace within myself and be able to move forward in light and love.

Release and trust

Someone asked me yesterday if I was stressed about the holidays, I said no because our escapades are usually casual with lots of games, music and fun but today I think of all the gifts to get, the holiday things to do and I realize maybe I am a little bit stressed.  Everyone gets a little stressed this time of the year but there can be a lot expected of us and we must let that fall, otherwise it will consume us.

There is a strong feeling right now amongst me and my friends that there is a lot on our plate and we are expected to do it all without complaint, now I am not going to encourage complaining but there is no reason for us to bare a cross alone. If you’re feeling sad or overwhelmed reach out to a friend because that makes a world of difference, it may not change anything but your able to release and hopefully move on.

I can feel pressure from my daily life, pressure from my family, from friends, from society but really it is pressure from myself on myself. We will survive, we always do and my worry or stresss does nothing to help the situation it just makes my stomach upset. There is a very light and freeing feeling that comes from understanding that I am taken care of, I am given what I need when I need it.  To truly  ascribe to that idea of being taken care of frees you from yourself. My son is always walking around saying “try your best and forget the rest”.  It’s so true. I simply must put my love into it at that moment, then set it free and trust. 

There is no award for doing it all or being perfect, there is just light and love – which I would rather have any day of the week.

The source of my anger 

I have found the source of my anger: I was doing everything for everyone else and ignoring myself.  I was not filling my cup so instead of my cup running over with love I was taking an empty cup to try to serve others. 

 What I realize is that I don’t really understand my newfound need to serve because I only operate in reciprocation. My idea of giving always comes with an expectation of something in return whether that be gratitude, love or an actual similar gift. It’s no wonder I had stopped loving myself and started looking for it in reciprocity. Essentially I am looking to everyone else to love me, but I am not loving myself. I only need love from myself and when I provide it to others it should be without a tether and be free – expecting nothing in return for once you let it go it doesn’t belong to you anymore. I would like to continue having that love for myself be a central spot in my life. I want my service to others to be that in which I enjoy the process, the gift, the act, the experience but once that action is done to send it off with love and let go of it. Once I let it go, it is no longer is mine, and what is done with it no longer belongs to me or should concern me. Some people may love my service, others may hate it but once I release it I also release the outcome. 

My anger and disappointment stems from the anger and disappointment I feel in myself – no wonder the world was reflecting that.  All I need to do is love me. I shall fill my cup and let it run over to others in service and love. 

My expectation

There are people in my life who are a certain way, there are things about their personality which bothers me. If they could only be more thoughtful or considerate on their spiritual path it wouldn’t bring me so much angst.  I wish for them to be more thoughtful, to really put themselves in others shoes – they can be very self-absorbed and it frustrates me. Many spiritual practices teach to love yourself first, to work from your own voice, to be selfish in a way because it’s your voice that you can hear not any one else’s and only you can move in a way that’s right for you.

This is my struggle.

I understand that and live that way but it no longer seems to stand on its own for me. Isn’t there a way I can do this while being kind and considerate to others? Isn’t there a way for me to speak my truth, live for me while being thoughtful to you?  It’s not simple enough to say this is my decision anymore. My struggle lies in wanting to move forward the way I must while respecting your path too. 

Little disrespectful things from some have been hurting me and continue to hurt me right now because I struggle with this concept. I suppose they are disrespectful through my eyes but may not be through there eyes and that’s my problem – I wish they could see their words, their actions through all eyes.  There is that struggle again, I shouldn’t look through any eyes but my own, yet I can feel sadness through others if I were to choose a certain path. Perhaps it’s just perceived sadness but can’t I move through my life through my eyes loving yours? 

Reciprocity 

Friday morning I started out peacefully, a beautiful mediation, blogging, writing a verse or two and then there was this beautiful movement inside myself to serve. I have been feeling moved to serve lately and it makes me feel great joy and love.

So Friday I start the day running errands and helping everyone who needed it. I started to serve family and friends and I did so with love but by the end of Friday I was exhausted and frankly frustrated by everyone’s inabilities to love or recognize the gifts of love I was sharing. I showered off the energies and proceeded to the next day; but I was met with even more disappointments and more lack of love and gratitude. It was at that point where  I started to be angry, truly and deeply angry. 

Now I am stuck in a cycle of angry energy. It’s fuelling itself and propelling itself further.  I am emotional eating, I am yelling and I am certainly not feeling peace. I am really just feeling pissed.

I guess what I am struggling with is that I am not really sure how to serve. I was doing it with lightness and love but I was expecting something in return:  be that gratitude, love or even acknowledgement.  I am not really sure how to progress to this next stage of myself through the service of others.  I am almost always expecting something in return. 

When I first started to experience awareness years ago, the first thing I had learned was that I was doing everything for everyone else, or really doing everything the way I thought they wanted. I think my mind has a hard time now understanding this new idea of service without resentment and just with love.  I believe the difference lies in that I was taking absolutely no time for myself before and was doing what I thought others wanted me to do.  I think the real idea behind service is that you’re sharing your gifts and love with everyone instead of  being a slave to what you think they need or want you to do.

But I am still frustrated right now. 

I am frustrated that not everyone practices sharing their gifts with all, even though I have a hard time doing it myself. I am so frustrated at the lack of love and consideration for others in the world but then I remind myself that everyone is in a different place at a different time, no two people are the same.  That doesn’t mean that their way is better or mine is better and it doesn’t mean that I will ever see them practice this, it may not be in their spiritual path, I need to let that go – redipirocity can’t exist, it is just me and my love being shared.

There is just me and my love.

Service

I have had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to give. I want to give myself, my time and really my love.  I have started small by giving small things here or there, giving a bit of time here or there and I feel such joy doing so.  The idea is that if you want joyous love surrounding you, then give it, be the change.

When I first started out on my spiritual journey I learned and am still learning to take time for myself. I had learned that my whole life I had been living for everyone else or more accurately what I thought everyone expected from me. So my recent new shift in wanting to help, wanting to love has sent my ego waving a red flag: be careful Danielle or you will wind up living for everyone else again.  That simply cannot be anymore and this is why:

1. I now take time for myself.  I do put myself first but in a loving way, I do so for love for myself and others. I no longer hurt people or myself in putting myself first because I am doing it from a place of love. I love me and I am also considerate of all. 

The other day I had absolutely no sleep, one of my children had been up all night and I had plans to meet a friend for breakfast really early the next morning. I got up from my hour or two of sleep I had managed to get to a text from that friend saying she had gotten there early and there was no rush she was at this particular table.  I thought about cancelling, she would understand but then I thought she made it all the way there and she was looking forward to it and so was I. So I got myself there and we had a great time. Turns out I was putting myself first and also being loving to her as well.

2. Loving myself makes loving others easy and effortless. I am now in a spot where I love myself enough that I am feeling abundance of love and that spills over into everyone I encounter. The more I learn to love myself the more I want to give it to others. 

3. I am better balanced. I used to feel large amounts of resentment that I was doing so much and no one else was and now I recognize that I do what I can and so does every one else. I ask more now “how can help” and have found to do so in love has had a more reciprocal outpouring love then listing what I have done, now love returns in abundance.  So long as I tap into myself and my love there is no room for resentment as there is only room for love with myself and others.

I cannot deny this call for service in my life and it must be happening now because I am in a spot of love for myself. I am loving myself to a point of overflow where that love has spilled over into how can I serve – how can I give love to everyone who needs it.  I’ll continue slow, but I feel like it will accumulate to great things so long as I flow and allow it to flow.

Trust 

I tell myself to truth the universe, trust life and trust the process all the time but I don’t think I truly let go and trust completely.  The hard part about trust is belief, you have to trust and truly believe for you to let go. 

My problem is that I often confuse trust with being saved, and the two aren’t the same. One relies on knowledge and patience and the other ignores everything hoping for someone else will take care of all the details. The truth is that when I put faith and trust in myself it all works out to the point that I am taken care of, but I often get to that point and think “I want more”. I often ignore things because I don’t want to deal with it, but when I do stop and deal with it, it will be resolved in a way that I am taken care of – I may have wanted more but the challenge is to see that I am indeed full.

In finances and relationships with certain friends it’s easy for me to see a problem and run away from it. I think to myself that I have no idea what the solution is but I don’t want to deal with it so I ignore it. Sometimes what I need is time to stop and think and maybe ask for some help for direction. It always gets taken care of but I don’t always like the outcome. I may have to pinch some pennies for a bit or the relationship with that friend may go south, instead of being upset and spending more I shouldn’t or agonize over the friendship lost, I should trust and continue on that path.

I often make snap decisions in the moment and then have regret. I don’t take time to just be with a decision and I often distrust the way the whole thing gets played out. I need to stop seeing my world as lack and start seeing all the abundance, that will help shift my perception and allow me to truly trust that I have what I need and will always have what I need so long as I continue my peaceful and patient trust. 

I must put my trust back in the world, back in the universe but most importantly back in myself, because I can’t accept trust if I cannot provide it.

Trust and believe that all that you need, you shall receive

Honour

Yesterday was a beautiful super full moon, it looked so gorgeous in the sky and I felt so many emotions bubbling to the surface.  They say women are deeply connected to the moon, we have similar phases with ovulation as the moon has phases in the sky. I have always felt the moon to be a thing of beauty and grandness. Usually I don’t pay too much attention to the lunar cycles or myself during them. I may notice the cycles and my emotions at that time but I certainly don’t do anything about it.

But last night I did something different.

I went out.  

I honoured myself as a woman. I  left my home with another girlfriend and enjoyed myself, within myself. We went for dinner and we went to a concert and though I hadn’t had much sleep the night before from my little one being  up with a nasty cold, I didn’t feel exhausted – quite the opposite,  I felt energized and alive in myself.  Even though it was just dinner and a concert I felt like I was honouring myself as a woman.  I was able to connect to another woman last night and the whole night somehow felt sacred.  I was taking time for myself last night regardless of the circumstances and the evening was incredibly beautiful. 

It’s as if something has shifted inside myself and I am in a place where I feel very comfortable honouring myself.  Will I be able to go out like that everyday? No, but everyday I can choose to honour myself and love myself. That little thing, that love, that honour has, and is making the biggest difference in my life right now.  I am understanding that there will always be something around, some reason to cancel the plans, some reason not to honour, but I must look through that and see the value in myself.

❤️

My feminine voice 

In a past life I must have been a feminist activist who fought hard to have the female voice heard.  I am so incredibly passionate about women’s rights today, it’s in a way that I don’t even understand fully. It may seem ironic to some people that I’m a stay at home mom but in my opinion feminism includes the right to choose whatever they want to do in life and an equality in such. For me that choice is to stay at home with my children, it’s not  about my gender but about my personal preference, many people I interact with are men who stay at home with their family as well, so don’t think my world is that of just women.

I feel so passionate about women’s choice and women’s rights that even the simplest things such as a friend not having the opportunity to attend something due to family commitments can often leave me to pause and get a little angry for her, regardless of the situation or if it’s warranted, I just have this passion that is strong.  I don’t really understand it myself but there is something deep inside myself that’s just a little bit stronger than some  in terms of the feeling of oppression. In fact a lot of my resentment steams from a feeling of oppression that comes from my gender.

I feel for so many different women in so many different ways and I am so passionate about them taking time for themselves as mothers and for standing strong and true in their feminine voice. I have only recently found my feminine voice and it’s pretty quiet right now but I hope with time to turn up the volume and stand so strong and true within it.

Inequality among women still exists, oppression still exists, rape culture is real and our society doesn’t often shed a positive light in our direction but that’s why we must shine it on ourselves. Today has been eye opening because I understand just how important the feminine voice is and how desperately it needs to be heard. Today and everyday I will promise to tap into my feminine voice and lift all women up instead of down.  Today we stand strong together, to love each other, nurture each other and grow and the only way we can grow together is with love. 

Marti  Luther King Jr: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” “I have decided to stick to love…Hate is too great a burden to bear.”