Finding myself in the chaos

I had stop blogging for a little while, I wanted to focus on writing – mainly the completion of a book that I have been trying to write for years.  I haven’t really progressed further in the book, but by stopping blogging I have lost a sense of purposefulness that comes with writing this blog.  I am not sure who, if anyone, is able to gain any support or help from my words here but the feeling I get from writing them is what gives me a sense of purpose or dharma. Perhaps one day my blog can be a book, but I do hope that this blog can provide help to those who need it – that is why I write, it brings me a deep sense of joy.

Since I have stopped blogging I have fallen back into a world of chaos and frustration, back into old habits and thoughts that are full of my ego-centred doubts.  I may experience these things still while blogging but blogging about it makes me feel helpful and full of joy. In the chaos that surrounds me, I can feel a sense of joy and lately I have wanted to give myself in a meaningful way and be my true self, despite this chaos.  I keep thinking of various spiritual leaders who experience discomfort and chaos continuously but manange to be themselves in love and provide love to everyone they touched.  This is where I feel I am heading, moving forward in a way with love, helping others and being true to my self, in amongst the chaos.

Here’s what I have concluded: it will always be chaotic, there will always be something: something financial, some drama, illness around, etc.. but if you can connect to your true self in amongst that then you have truly connected. All these different jobs I have worked, all these different financial situations I have experienced, all these things that I continue to run away from will always be around, it’s me who needs to change or rather allow myself to be myself.

Being myself sometimes means not letting anything hold me back: finances, people’s opinions, expectations – all of that will remain stable in a way that provides me with exactly what I need, the trick is to recognize that I am getting what I need (without expectation). Finding myself and being myself in amongst the chaos is where I will find peace.  

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