Reciprocity 

Friday morning I started out peacefully, a beautiful mediation, blogging, writing a verse or two and then there was this beautiful movement inside myself to serve. I have been feeling moved to serve lately and it makes me feel great joy and love.

So Friday I start the day running errands and helping everyone who needed it. I started to serve family and friends and I did so with love but by the end of Friday I was exhausted and frankly frustrated by everyone’s inabilities to love or recognize the gifts of love I was sharing. I showered off the energies and proceeded to the next day; but I was met with even more disappointments and more lack of love and gratitude. It was at that point where  I started to be angry, truly and deeply angry. 

Now I am stuck in a cycle of angry energy. It’s fuelling itself and propelling itself further.  I am emotional eating, I am yelling and I am certainly not feeling peace. I am really just feeling pissed.

I guess what I am struggling with is that I am not really sure how to serve. I was doing it with lightness and love but I was expecting something in return:  be that gratitude, love or even acknowledgement.  I am not really sure how to progress to this next stage of myself through the service of others.  I am almost always expecting something in return. 

When I first started to experience awareness years ago, the first thing I had learned was that I was doing everything for everyone else, or really doing everything the way I thought they wanted. I think my mind has a hard time now understanding this new idea of service without resentment and just with love.  I believe the difference lies in that I was taking absolutely no time for myself before and was doing what I thought others wanted me to do.  I think the real idea behind service is that you’re sharing your gifts and love with everyone instead of  being a slave to what you think they need or want you to do.

But I am still frustrated right now. 

I am frustrated that not everyone practices sharing their gifts with all, even though I have a hard time doing it myself. I am so frustrated at the lack of love and consideration for others in the world but then I remind myself that everyone is in a different place at a different time, no two people are the same.  That doesn’t mean that their way is better or mine is better and it doesn’t mean that I will ever see them practice this, it may not be in their spiritual path, I need to let that go – redipirocity can’t exist, it is just me and my love being shared.

There is just me and my love.

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