2016

I wanted to be in a zen-like state of peace today being the last day of 2016, but instead I am sick and angry – exactly how I started 2016! 

I should be grateful that I am not as sick as I was yesterday and I hope this is me on the mend, but I am a total grump! I am angry at everything! I am angry that our family has battled ailment after ailment but I am grateful that no one was extremely sick on Christmas and that whatever this is will hopefully have made its way through the home and is done. 

Truth: I am a grumpy sick person, not exactly the best patient.  I have had my share of tummy woes so I get extra irritated when a tummy bug comes marching into our home. 

I have been staring at Facebook today, watching friends out and about enjoying their New Years Eve celebrations and I have just been feeling left out that I am not doing the same. I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  I am not really in a place to be out and about and neither is half my family so why am I being so down about it.

This post was going to be about me complaining about how life keeps throwing a wrench in my plans but maybe it’s that wrench that gives me strength, maybe it’s that wrench that is asking for me to take a closer look – maybe it isn’t a wrench but something positive. I am tired of complaining. I am tired of feeling like I am not my true self. I need to take off my clouded views and start seeing the brighter colours in life.

Today I will celebrate with cuddles on the couch in my jammies with those I love the most.  We will watch movies and snuggle and just welcome 2017 in with a big snuggly hug. It isn’t what we do but how we do it with love. 

2017 is a chance for a new beginning, I want to be my true self, then simply that is what I will be and I want experience love everywhere, so I will.   I shall look at the world in bright colours and positivity. Time to look at things differently, in love, and recognize that there is love in everyone and everything. 

Living in love

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, it’s been a while since I have calmed down and just paused.  Lately I have been caught up in my to-do list and have become it; and in doing so I have reverted to that past version of my self that has no connection to herself or source.  The worst part is I have been living there so long I have had no desire to even change that. I have gotten cozy with that person because after all it is comfortable, it’s what I have known for years. 

When I become that person I become a person obsessed: I am obsessive about how I look, fitness, what other people think of me, perfectionism, and the list goes on.  I don’t want to be obsessed with anything anymore : weight, fitness, mothering, looks, life achievements – none of it.  What I want is serenity and balance , giving attention here and there instead of obsessively focusing on one thing. The type of attention I want to give in my life is that positive one: that of love.  My motivation now is love and peace instead of working towards one goal solely. By balancing all the pieces in my life’s puzzle I am able to have a big complete picture instead of part of the picture being bigger than others.

The goal now is a gentle peace and love. I don’t wish to desperately seek out motivation in an effort to force myself to do something I don’t want to do.  All the motivation I need is inside me. If I focus on love everything falls beautifully into place.   If I move my body because I want to do something fun in terms of exercise and I love myself doing it, then I can’t go wrong. It doesn’t stop just in my regular exercise regime it’s in everything: eating in love (foods that I love the taste and that make me feel good), mothering in love (worrying about not how I am doing but just experiencing the love between me and my children), seeing love (everywhere, in everyone), being love (allowing myself to connect to that love within and just be it) – these are all me and all love.

I let go of anger, worry and frustration as it does not serve me.   I let go of everything really that doesn’t serve me and hold on to love and peace. I know that this is the path I wish to take right now and it’s one that’s just right for me: living in love. 

Doomed to repeat

It happens every year, I get sick right around this time. It’s a combination of my kids being sick and me being burnt out. 

Every single year.

Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it

I do my best to be love and really tried not to be stressed out but it’s got me again. I’ve done thousands of things to celebrate the season and my sons birthday, allowing my family to celebrate together but I have taken all the responsibility and haven’t taken any of the fun. 

My children remind me to slow down, heck they even have asked me to stop with them and I do but my mind wonders to my to do lists and my responsibilities.  These responsibilities are all mine, I am barely even trying to share them, only when I sit broken on the floor do I share a little and by then it’s too late. Weeks of no sleep, stress that I pretend is not stressful, kids with some major germies is all adding up and I am not feeling well. Even now as I type I am thinking of my to-do lists.  I am not that sick, but I am certainly not well, I keep telling myself if I would just stop now and slow down and just enjoy life I would be okay but I can’t seem to. I have no idea how to slow down, no idea how to stop, and if I just do nothing I feel incredibly guilty – there is just too much to do, especially this time of the year.

This kind of thought is what breaks mommies, breaks people, and I know it’s more toxic than anything I have ever encountered; but here is the thing: I don’t know how to stop.  The worst part of all of this is that I pretend it’s all good, I actually fool myself into thinking I am not stressed not consumed with thoughts of lists that I need to accomplish. By the time I get to this point it’s too late and the stress that I was pretending was not there has consumed me and has manifested itself as disease. 

I am not entirely sure how to balance because I do have certain responsibility like feeding my children, that do have to happen maybe I need to re-evaluate what’s truly essential. I am not entirely sure. What I am sure of right now is that I need to scale back, need to rest, which is what I will do, once I figure out how.

Pause for love

This holiday season is busy for everyone, throw in an extra birthday in our home and I am not short of things to do.  There is lots for me to do and I can easily get caught up in the list instead of present moment acts. My kids have been sick and sleep has been hard to find,which has made me tired and grumpy and not interested in pause for love moments.

I am so busy trying to get things done and making magical memories for my children that I am not enjoying them myself.  I am often in the moment trying to get to the next one so I can check that off my list.  It’s an old reflex of mine, having everything perfect this time of the year. I can let that perfection go but I also don’t want to just sit around the house either. I do enjoy doing these things and making these gifts and all the love that’s in them but I have lost focus on the present moment. Laziness and productivity in my world,  isn’t always well balanced but I do know that I just need to make time for what I love or rather love in that moment.

It’s so important to me to create a space and time to do things that bring me joy and love, be that with my family or myself, this needs to remain a constant in my life. What I find right now is most things I do have love in them. Sometimes the simplest joys like folding the laundry have some secret hidden love there: maybe it’s looking at your kids cute clothes or remarking how they have grown. Each moment in life gives us a chance to pause and experience love, if we allow it.

Weighing in

I stepped on the scale yesterday. The numbers were a lot higher than I thought they would be. It bummed me out, a lot. I have started to better connect to myself through movement and food and I was feeling good and I needed that scale validation : I needed the numbers to tell me I am doing things right even though I know I am on the right path. Needless to say I didn’t get the happy feeling I thought I would. 

Scales are just numbers,  I know that, what’s important is how you feel and how your body feels. Moving your body through exercise and healthy eating is what matters, I know that; but, I used to be a scale addict and it’s all I know.  That vicious cycle of negativity connected with my scale is where I used to live, it’s how I used to be fit and healthy, it’s all I know. To be in good health and fit, what I know is hate: hate the numbers, hate the way I see myself in the mirror, hate myself. My motivation stems from hate, to be healthy and happy, all I know is hate. This doesn’t sit well anymore. 

My body has been speaking to me, it wants to move, it wants to eat healthy foods that are just right for me; the problem is I no longer want to hate, myself or anyone else for that matter.  My mind functions out of love nowadays and the way I think about many things are changing and that is including how I take care of myself.  If I give myself healthy nourishing foods, I am telling myself : I love you, you’re worth the time it took to make this salad instead of buying that chocolate bar. The energy I receive from these foods sustain me and give me energy and love throughout the day. The other way was self-sabotaging, sure it felt good very briefly but it made sure I got stuck into a negative place by feeling worse and feeling down.  Moving my body is no different then the foods that I eat: the time has come to move out of love.  Giving all that I have for 20-30minutes here or there  is a much better place then working out for two hours hating myself.  Exercising is moving my body, allowing it to feel all energies and love around me; doing it in a place of love is so very different then I am accustomed to. 

Would I like to look a bit thinner, yes, but that will happen on its own without my constant focus of negativity. If I learn to start connecting to my body in love, I can simply move forward in love in confident of my choices and that of honours this body I have been given. This will only stick if I focus on the love, it is why it hasn’t ever stuck permanently, hate cannot sustain you.  For years I have tricked myself into the thought that the chocolate bar will make me feel good, but it doesn’t, in truth if I make a different choice I am telling myself I love myself  enough and I don’t need the cholate bar to give me that love. 

Everyday I will move my body, some days will be more than others, some days I’ll eat more than others but I promise myself to make conscious choices that honour myself through love.  I will focus on the now and love myself in each and every moment, not for future moments and not for past moment but for this very moment that I am in.  Maybe the number on the scale will change, maybe it won’t, but it won’t matter if I keep the promise I have made here, because you can’t be wrong if you are in love. 

What’s the rush

I got my oldest off to school this morning just in time to see a friend leaving, we passed each other quickly said hi and she hurried on her way, she seemed in a bit of a hurry and I was a little hurt she didn’t stop and wait so we could walk back together as we often do.  I said good bye to my oldest and my youngest and I headed back home, we also had places to be and things to do but I could see her ahead of me barely 60 seconds walking solo in a hurried paced. I was more than hurt, I was pissed she couldn’t wait for me to walk back with. She seemed in a rush, maybe she was late for something; perhaps she didn’t feel like talking, God knows I have done that too so I sent her a little love and told myself to chill out.

It wasn’t  even a real issue, and I am not really that upset by it but I do feel like it was trying to grab my attention. I realized that what I perceived was a person who was too rushed to stop and talk, to wait and walk back with a friend.  That is what it appeared to me and it’s very well not what it was but the appearance of that act made me look around and what I saw everywhere was everyone rushing, myself included. Just the day before I was so rushed and flabbergasted, I had to run the children to school at my fastest pace to squeeze my son into class just in the nick of time.  I could have taken my time, lost the attitude and gotten him there late; but no, I was not going to bother myself to get that late slip, I did not have time to wait in line with grumpy people for that reason, so I ran and I rushed and the whole process was unsettling. 

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

-Lao Tzu

This isn’t about my friend, or anyone else for that matter, this is about me and my need to feel hurried.  My whole life, my whole career has always thrived off of that hurried energy.  Now that I am starting to connect more with my body and myself I realize that I simply cannot operate in this manner; which is really hard because it’s all I know. Nature is truly not hurried but everything happens slowly at a pace where things are accomplished.  I suppose I associate being hurried and that stressful energy that comes from it as being productive and accomplishing things -it’s  not. I can be productive and accomplish things at a more relaxed paced,  one that is thoughtful, slow and pensive. 

In the moment I make a choice, and I can choose to slow down and appreciate more.  It’s okay if we are late from time to time, it’s okay if I miss something, it’s okay if it’s only a mildly productive day or not at all, so long as I am going at a pace which is full of love and peace. That stress, even though sometimes it may feel like good stress, isn’t good for me or my soul. My children have no concept of time or being late, they are simply happy in that moment and that is where I want to be , present in that moment and not rushed. 

 With some practice I too can learn to slow down. 

Finding my tribe 

Connection is part of the human experience, we are all connected to one another in some shape or form. The  thread that connects us all together is strong,  whether we are able to admit that may be another story; but today I wanted to post about finding my tribe. I have some amazing friends and I love them to pieces, each one teaches me a little about myself and connects me in a different way; they are my tribe, my people and I feel that love and connection strongly. My new mantra of be the good, or be the change, is powerful one, and I hope that seep into my tribe as well as myself. To be there for one another is powerful and gives us a beautiful deep connection.  My tribe has no room for judgment, hate,or  jealousy, it only has room for love and I can’t make anyone do it, I can just practice it myself and see how it all plays out. 

There are some friends who have started to fall away the more that I practice my new mantra, maybe they don’t fit well in this tribe of mine, but I am doing my best not to force it or over analyze it and just let it be. It’s tricky, for sometimes  I do feel angry :  why on earth can’t they be nice, helpful or kind – why must it always be a battle? Deep breath and let it go. They have taught me about myself but maybe that is their role, perhaps I am trying to force them into my tribe when they don’t fit or even want to fit. 

My tribe is beautiful and it is sacred, I hold it in very high regards.  My tribe is a place where all is welcome, but not everyone will fit or want to and that’s okay but the more love I throw out there the more I recognize it, in all it’s glory. I am starting to attract like minded people and more importantly I am recognizing those people everywhere, they can be strangers but there is a global community of love and kindness out there waiting for interaction; all I have to do is take the first step and be the good.