I stepped on the scale yesterday. The numbers were a lot higher than I thought they would be. It bummed me out, a lot. I have started to better connect to myself through movement and food and I was feeling good and I needed that scale validation : I needed the numbers to tell me I am doing things right even though I know I am on the right path. Needless to say I didn’t get the happy feeling I thought I would.
Scales are just numbers, I know that, what’s important is how you feel and how your body feels. Moving your body through exercise and healthy eating is what matters, I know that; but, I used to be a scale addict and it’s all I know. That vicious cycle of negativity connected with my scale is where I used to live, it’s how I used to be fit and healthy, it’s all I know. To be in good health and fit, what I know is hate: hate the numbers, hate the way I see myself in the mirror, hate myself. My motivation stems from hate, to be healthy and happy, all I know is hate. This doesn’t sit well anymore.
My body has been speaking to me, it wants to move, it wants to eat healthy foods that are just right for me; the problem is I no longer want to hate, myself or anyone else for that matter. My mind functions out of love nowadays and the way I think about many things are changing and that is including how I take care of myself. If I give myself healthy nourishing foods, I am telling myself : I love you, you’re worth the time it took to make this salad instead of buying that chocolate bar. The energy I receive from these foods sustain me and give me energy and love throughout the day. The other way was self-sabotaging, sure it felt good very briefly but it made sure I got stuck into a negative place by feeling worse and feeling down. Moving my body is no different then the foods that I eat: the time has come to move out of love. Giving all that I have for 20-30minutes here or there is a much better place then working out for two hours hating myself. Exercising is moving my body, allowing it to feel all energies and love around me; doing it in a place of love is so very different then I am accustomed to.
Would I like to look a bit thinner, yes, but that will happen on its own without my constant focus of negativity. If I learn to start connecting to my body in love, I can simply move forward in love in confident of my choices and that of honours this body I have been given. This will only stick if I focus on the love, it is why it hasn’t ever stuck permanently, hate cannot sustain you. For years I have tricked myself into the thought that the chocolate bar will make me feel good, but it doesn’t, in truth if I make a different choice I am telling myself I love myself enough and I don’t need the cholate bar to give me that love.
Everyday I will move my body, some days will be more than others, some days I’ll eat more than others but I promise myself to make conscious choices that honour myself through love. I will focus on the now and love myself in each and every moment, not for future moments and not for past moment but for this very moment that I am in. Maybe the number on the scale will change, maybe it won’t, but it won’t matter if I keep the promise I have made here, because you can’t be wrong if you are in love.