Doomed to repeat

It happens every year, I get sick right around this time. It’s a combination of my kids being sick and me being burnt out. 

Every single year.

Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it

I do my best to be love and really tried not to be stressed out but it’s got me again. I’ve done thousands of things to celebrate the season and my sons birthday, allowing my family to celebrate together but I have taken all the responsibility and haven’t taken any of the fun. 

My children remind me to slow down, heck they even have asked me to stop with them and I do but my mind wonders to my to do lists and my responsibilities.  These responsibilities are all mine, I am barely even trying to share them, only when I sit broken on the floor do I share a little and by then it’s too late. Weeks of no sleep, stress that I pretend is not stressful, kids with some major germies is all adding up and I am not feeling well. Even now as I type I am thinking of my to-do lists.  I am not that sick, but I am certainly not well, I keep telling myself if I would just stop now and slow down and just enjoy life I would be okay but I can’t seem to. I have no idea how to slow down, no idea how to stop, and if I just do nothing I feel incredibly guilty – there is just too much to do, especially this time of the year.

This kind of thought is what breaks mommies, breaks people, and I know it’s more toxic than anything I have ever encountered; but here is the thing: I don’t know how to stop.  The worst part of all of this is that I pretend it’s all good, I actually fool myself into thinking I am not stressed not consumed with thoughts of lists that I need to accomplish. By the time I get to this point it’s too late and the stress that I was pretending was not there has consumed me and has manifested itself as disease. 

I am not entirely sure how to balance because I do have certain responsibility like feeding my children, that do have to happen maybe I need to re-evaluate what’s truly essential. I am not entirely sure. What I am sure of right now is that I need to scale back, need to rest, which is what I will do, once I figure out how.

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