The feminine spirit 

I have been nothing but a cranky bum the past few days and I noticed in my calendar that is that week of pms. It was almost a relief to see, as if it’s a reason or excuse for me to completely lose it. The truth is I don’t want to continuously lose it and it really didn’t change my behaviour when I realized I had a few more hormones then usual this time of the month, but I do want to release all this anger. 

Today is a gorgeous day, a rare gem hidden during winter time where it is actually warm and beautiful with the sun shining down. I decided this morning that I don’t want to be a grump so I made sure to meditate (which really does help) and I felt compelled to get outside and run.  I even did my old route that I used to do pre-children because I am working right now on loving myself and told myself to have confidence in myself for this run. It was during the run that I felt connected to my mind, my body and my spirit (being myself and the greater spirit all around me – Mother Nature) . I realized that I am on a journey of self love and self discovery and that needs to be rooted deep in my feminine spirit. 

As I ran, I thought my journey is that of a female voice. I am learning and thinking about spiritual practice and I am realizing that the culture that I am a part of is one where the female is seen as weak.  I also understand that there are cultures that celebrate femininity and see females as a source of power and great insight.  These cultures celebrate every part of being female and see the great insight from it. This is too how I wish to see it. If I wish to operate from this spot I need to look at all aspects of my feminity in a positive way. I need to see my pms as a time of heightened sense of emotions and not all of those emotions are bad, there are many good ones that allows me to also feel great joy, love and connection.  I have read and I have come to understand it to be true, that this is a time of great creativity and connectivity –  I have a great and deep perception right now and it’s time to honour that.  The month will circle through a variety of emotions but now is the time to be creative and celebrate my feminity. 

It’s no wonder my run sparked these emotions because I am connecting to a great feminine spirit – Mother Nature. I feel so alive when I do so because it’s when I am truly connecting to me. 

The victim 

This week I had tons of plans, but none of them came true. Friends couldn’t attend, families weren’t able to come anymore, children got sick, life happened, and for the most part it was quiet and not that bad of a week, though it did seem rather long at times. Today I let my ego seep in and saturate myself as the victim.  Why me? Why are people always bailing on me? Why do my kids get sick when I look forward to a night out with my hubby? Why can’t my family be there when I need it?

There I am.

The victim.

The key to living a victim-less life is owning your own life, taking full responsibility for your life and your happiness. I don’t feel like I am blaming anyone else, but I am. You canceled our date and that’s your fault, and therefore I am sad from that. I am not taking responsibility for my life and my happiness, I am relying on others to do that for me. I am relying on you to make me happy. This has been a major issue of mine for some time, I want everyone else to do the hard work and the truth is I am never going to make any major break throughs if I don’t get my hands a little dirty. 

It’s sneaky how easy I default to being the victim. I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. I just thought crappy things are happening to me and that makes me sad, but I am the one putting all my eggs in other people’s baskets hoping they will bring me happiness and joy.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t make plans moving forward, I just go with the flow because I know that whatever I do even if I do it on my own will have happiness because that happiness comes only from me.

Change begins with me.

Valentine’s Day 

Today is Valentine’s Day and I love this day; not because of the chocolate, not because it’s a date night (no date night for me tonight)  but because it’s an opportunity to remember love.  

I know how Valentine’s Day came to be, I also know how it’s morphed throughout the years and many see it as a very commercialized day. The way I see it is for every person out buying their loved one’s diamond jewelry there is someone having an anti-commercialized day filled with zombie movies and snacks (my sisters tradition).  Here is the thing: the way you celebrate can’t be wrong, if it’s got a foundation in love. However you celebrate it or whatever you believe, it’s all founded in love – love for your significant other, your family, yourself! This is a time to remember love and if your heart is truly standing firmly in love I don’t see how you can be doing it wrong. 

Valentine’s Day reminds me of New Year’s Eve and it’s resolutions. It’s a chance for me to remind myself that everyday should be Valentine’s Day and that we all should be operating from a place of love.  My son will come home today filled with a home made basket of little love notes from his classmates and everyone of them is different, I love going through them with him because there just so much love in that basket.  There may be people who don’t get a long in his class but that seems to shift aside and each child participates, carefully writing down each other’s names on a card –  and trust me at my sons age that requires some thought and time so there is some serious love right there! 

This day makes me remember that yes I operate from a place of love and shall continue to do so. It also reminds me that in a day filled with random acts of love and kindness that should continue all through the year.  The notes, the chocolates, the kindness, the appreciation, the thoughtfulness, all the love should be given all year round!  

So today I am grateful for love and everyone in my life who I love, that includes you reading here, your love is what keeps me writing and in a place where love flows freely and naturally.  

So happy love day!  May you be filled with nothing but love today and everyday! 

Loving spirit

I grew up in the spiritual world which was fear-based.  Currently I feel really drawn back to a spiritual place  but I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of fear.  It’s no wonder I fear Spirit because fear is all I remember from it.  As a child every action I did came with a message that if it’s not done perfectly as it should be, God would punish me. Even as an adult I had a family member ask after my miscarriage “what did you do wrong to warrant this?!”. I didn’t feel I did anything wrong, in fact I tried to live my life the best I could and be kind to everyone.

 The idea of fear based spirituality never sat  well with me.  Isn’t God just love?  I get that wrong deeds shouldn’t be encouraged but wouldn’t it be easier if you just spoke to me about love, I would be so much more drawn to that then believing out of fear, because if I didn’t believe I would be punished.  Though I didn’t understand it then, I realize that things like the miscarriage, and stuff that happens to us, all happen as lessons to help us grow into those loving beings, not because we did seomthing wrong.

This is a very big step from me in a direction I have been wanting to take for years, but have been too afraid.  Though I am experiencing a lot of fear right now, I am trying to meet that fear with love and it is helping dissolve it away in awareness. My fears are creating anxieties because I am blocking my connections, like I child with the blanket pulled over my head I don’t want to tap into Spitit because of fear. The time has come to let if flow and see where this takes me, it’s been a journey I have been wanting to take for years but up until now I wasn’t ready. The only way for me to travel down this path is in love and I know that feeling of love is what will guide me through and dissolve all fears. 

Today I took my son to the library, as a spiritual scholar, I find real peace there and my son can play and just be.  Having nothing but a fearful week,  I had let fear drive the wheel and fear leads to anger, and he picks up all of that so he has been a little stinker this past week. Today he had gone to the eye doctor and then to the library and was pushing so many of my buttons I thought I was going to explode.  I know he represented a physical representation of my fear and anger but at the time I wasn’t sure what would counter that. We were sitting in one of those coin operated rides outside the library in the mall, and it was noon and it was time for lunch for both of us; I had tried many times to get him to put his coat on but had no success and was exhausted.  More and more people watched as he threw some awful temper tantrums and I retreated inside myself. I did everything to get him to come, followed all the right instructions but nothing work, here I was doing everything that I should but nothing in our fear based model worked.  As I wondered when this would end, a women came over who had a name tag from the bank with a box full of stickers. She asked my son if he would like one, which he was very excited about. She said he could pick whatever one he wanted if he put in his coat and went with mommy. She explained to me she has three boys so she knew what I was feeling.  Tears welled in my eyes as I thanked her for her kindness and as easy as that we were on our way. 

In ways I can’t even really describe that experience made me feel full of love. I realized through her actions and ours that I can come to Spirit and God in love, but I’ll never connect in fear. I felt welcomed and energized in love, which is all I ever wanted, what I didn’t realize was it was me holding me back.  I have some searching to do, and the logistics of what this all looks like will sort itself out, it will take me some practice to meet this part of my life in love, but I am much more willing now to start the process.  I feel something has lifted and if I allow it I can finally trust. 

I am safe

When the results came back from my doctors about all my stomach issues it turned out that nothing was truly wrong and that my mind was associating pain with a certain food that had caused me pain in the past when I went through treatments for h.pylori.  Some of the most comforting words a doctor has ever said to me were: it cannot hurt you. That brought me comfort for a while but every now and then (like right now) I have had some stomach discomforts and though I know I am safe and it cannot hurt me I am not believing it.

Now I have had some issues with some spiritual energies in my home, my natural reaction was fear – this will hurt me but like my stomach it will not hurt me.  Only I can do that.

There is a message being sent to me letting me know a lot of the things that I let torture myself cannot hurt me, I am safe. If these things cannot hurt me so why do they appear to be coming up again and again?

To teach me a lesson.

To help me connect to sides I fear, but sides of me that need connection.  I fear the spiritual world sometimes, I fear death and the unknown and it causes me a great deal of discomfort. 

Same with my stomach, I know my stomach is a barometer for stress and things in my life, but I don’t want to connect to it because that takes me to a deep spiritual place where I am not knowledgable. I don’t understand it and if I try to this leads me to a world where I have no knowledge or control .

You fear what you don’t understand. It scares me to blindly believe and accept. I thought I had dealt with my fear but I had only buried it because to confront my fears head on is just too terrifying.   This is why my evolution is stuck: not from fear that I will change, maybe that is a part of it but the bigger part is a fear of the unknowing, a fear of lack of control, I still to this day fear trust – real trust, that whole heartedly belief in trust. I fear it because I don’t understand it, I fear it because I won’t trust.

My relationships 

I have a wide range of different relationships  but I struggle with a lot of them as sometimes things are said that I simply can’t let go. The reason that bothers me so much is that I do have relationships where people are able to say pretty much anything and I am able to let it roll off my shoulder. I suppose I get frustrated because I am capable of letting things go and I know when I do that I feel a lot more free.  This morning my attempt is to gain understanding of why certain people in my life I am able to let things go a lot easier than others in my life. 

The people in my life who I am able to let go of what they say even at times it could be hurtful but I am able to do so because I feel their intention of love.  I know that even though they may say something unpleasant they are coming from a place of love and they have nothing but love for me so I am able to let the words hang there that don’t serve me and take what does. 

But I can’t seem to do this with everyone.

The way I see it is that  I know these people care for me so I am so much more understanding but maybe it is that I care so much more for these people so I am able to allow things to roll off me with ease.  You would think if I didn’t care for someone as much it would be easier to let things roll off me but for reasons I am not entirely sure, it’s not.  Maybe it’s that I want a connection from everyone that way and when I can’t seem to break through I get frustrated and fill with hate for that person. I know I can’t have the same kind of relationship with everyone and I struggle with that because I wish all my relationships were so full of love that I can allow everything to roll off of me.

I think for the most part those who do not serve me I do not see as often but there is interaction occasionally and that occasional interaction can frustrate me and leave me in a circle of hate for that relationship long after interaction has taken place. This is the type of relationship that frustrates me as I cannot let go and see how to interact occasionally with someone who isn’t full with love, and the key is, I wish they were. Maybe I am not accepting this person as they are, I know and can feel they aren’t love but I wish them to be : so time and time again I am left with hurt after our interaction. 

Though I have no definitive solution I do see that my projected expectation is a part of my problem and acceptance for the situation is also something to be said.  Step by step.