I grew up in the spiritual world which was fear-based. Currently I feel really drawn back to a spiritual place but I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of fear. It’s no wonder I fear Spirit because fear is all I remember from it. As a child every action I did came with a message that if it’s not done perfectly as it should be, God would punish me. Even as an adult I had a family member ask after my miscarriage “what did you do wrong to warrant this?!”. I didn’t feel I did anything wrong, in fact I tried to live my life the best I could and be kind to everyone.
The idea of fear based spirituality never sat well with me. Isn’t God just love? I get that wrong deeds shouldn’t be encouraged but wouldn’t it be easier if you just spoke to me about love, I would be so much more drawn to that then believing out of fear, because if I didn’t believe I would be punished. Though I didn’t understand it then, I realize that things like the miscarriage, and stuff that happens to us, all happen as lessons to help us grow into those loving beings, not because we did seomthing wrong.
This is a very big step from me in a direction I have been wanting to take for years, but have been too afraid. Though I am experiencing a lot of fear right now, I am trying to meet that fear with love and it is helping dissolve it away in awareness. My fears are creating anxieties because I am blocking my connections, like I child with the blanket pulled over my head I don’t want to tap into Spitit because of fear. The time has come to let if flow and see where this takes me, it’s been a journey I have been wanting to take for years but up until now I wasn’t ready. The only way for me to travel down this path is in love and I know that feeling of love is what will guide me through and dissolve all fears.
Today I took my son to the library, as a spiritual scholar, I find real peace there and my son can play and just be. Having nothing but a fearful week, I had let fear drive the wheel and fear leads to anger, and he picks up all of that so he has been a little stinker this past week. Today he had gone to the eye doctor and then to the library and was pushing so many of my buttons I thought I was going to explode. I know he represented a physical representation of my fear and anger but at the time I wasn’t sure what would counter that. We were sitting in one of those coin operated rides outside the library in the mall, and it was noon and it was time for lunch for both of us; I had tried many times to get him to put his coat on but had no success and was exhausted. More and more people watched as he threw some awful temper tantrums and I retreated inside myself. I did everything to get him to come, followed all the right instructions but nothing work, here I was doing everything that I should but nothing in our fear based model worked. As I wondered when this would end, a women came over who had a name tag from the bank with a box full of stickers. She asked my son if he would like one, which he was very excited about. She said he could pick whatever one he wanted if he put in his coat and went with mommy. She explained to me she has three boys so she knew what I was feeling. Tears welled in my eyes as I thanked her for her kindness and as easy as that we were on our way.
In ways I can’t even really describe that experience made me feel full of love. I realized through her actions and ours that I can come to Spirit and God in love, but I’ll never connect in fear. I felt welcomed and energized in love, which is all I ever wanted, what I didn’t realize was it was me holding me back. I have some searching to do, and the logistics of what this all looks like will sort itself out, it will take me some practice to meet this part of my life in love, but I am much more willing now to start the process. I feel something has lifted and if I allow it I can finally trust.