Seeing myself 

I love my day to day life: I love what I do, I love the flexibility in it and I really love that after all these years, I eat well for my body and excercise when and whatever I feel like doing. My life has become about enjoyment instead of having to do a certain thing, eat a certain way or exercise a certain amount.  Can you feel the but coming?

But….

I hate my body, and going deeper myself to an extent.

I am on a journey of self love, to really connect to myself and love myself.  Some days I feel like I have made oodles of self love improvements and other days I feel like I am at square one.  This journey of self love is getting hijacked every morning when I pass by the mirror and get dressed. I stop and look at myself and find the thing that is wrong: my belly, my cellulite, whatever I choose to focus on, I then tell myself work harder, eat better and maybe this will go away.

But it never goes away. 

There is always something to improve upon.  I am always looking for something physically I can make better.

If I am working out regularly, eating well and have good amounts of energy then why can’t I accept my body as it is?  I have had two children, things are a little less tight, I have had my ab muscles split both times carrying my children resulting in a slight protruding belly, these things I cannot control but I obsess about them daily –  as if that helps me in any way. I look in the mirror and see imperfection yet I just admitted to being really happy in my day to day life, I have found the right balance that doesn’t make me feel deprived or bad, yet I can’t accept what I look like. 

Once upon a time I had gone down a rather dangerous path that lead to a world where everything had a number, I counted calories and disciplined myself to a point where I was incredibly unhappy, but I looked good. At the time, I excercised two hours a day and was obsessed with all things nutritious. I had a very nice body and I didn’t even care, it could be nicer, I could work even harder. It didn’t abuse too much but I was starting to have obsessive thoughts about body image and it lead me to a very unhappy place where I was incredibly deprived and extremely unhappy. 

Sometimes I think I want that body back, but that body came with a price and it’s one I am not willing to pay anymore.

I do love my life and I really want to love me completely and unconditionally but I look for flaws, a lifetime of doing it can be hard to break. The truth is I am looking for external validation again, I want to look fantastic so you will tell me I look fantastic because I need that from you. But I don’t really. I am comparing myself to you and all I need to do is love myself.

At the very basic level, I need to love this body, completely as it is in this very moment because that’s the foundation I need to build upon my self love.  How do I do it? I tell myself each morning that I look amazing, that I am amazing, and I love everything in the present moment. I don’t look for the flaws in the morning, I just look at myself with love, no comparing to anyone else,  not even myself.  It’s not fair to compare, even to myself because I am very different person then I was back then when I had a body like that, so many different sitatuions are different, I need to simple be in the present moment and just love the hell out of my body. As I start telling myself, it may even feel like i am lying, but I had learned in the past that after time I will come to believe it, I just need to retain my mind into being positive, and that takes time but it’s not impossible.  

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