I had hopes for a post today about international women’s day; it was going to be a beautiful celebration to all women everywhere but instead I am sitting in my chair lightly sobbing as I have beaten down by a toddler.
I feel exhausted and frankly sad because he is two and a half and a giant pain in my bum! He knows how to push all the buttons and he doesn’t push them gently. If I discipline him he laughs at me, time outs don’t even stick because no matter how many times he goes in he always finds a way out, my authority means nothing to him. I tell myself as an adult he will make a great leader pushing the boundaries, not backing down and making himself heard.
But right now it’s hard.
Everything I do or say is challenged because that’s what he does, that’s what his age is about : testing waters – learning, and all of this I know and understand but as a person who just spent an hour and a half walking him back to his room for sleep I have to wonder what the price for that spark of his will cost.
Because right now I feel broken.
I am tired and I don’t know what I am doing. My older son is completely the opposite, I have no wisdom to guide me, and the wisdom I seek out from others has left me here in this chair wishing I could curl up in bed with a massive amount of junk food and binge watch my way through the entire Netflix library.
I feel like I am missing some major lesson here: go with the flow, be present, don’t worry if he ever sleeps again. I don’t know what it is but I am tired and angry and sad all wrapped into one big toddler mama package. I know this is temporary but when you’re in the thick of it, well it can really drag you down.
Or should I say toddler steps.