Never happy

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a clif about to jump off into a place where I am actually comfortable with who I am but there is a little something holding me back and that is fear of change. It’s weird because in my mind I know that I would love nothing more than to change: be present and just accept things as they are in this very moment; but I am afraid of changing deep down inside.  Change means things will be different, I may lose friends, lose all kinds of things but I could also gain the world, I will never know unless I take that first step.  

I am always wanting more, like so many people : I want a fit body, more money, more things but all they do is take the want away temporarily, soon after I achieve or receive, the want comes back and I don’t really want the want. I don’t like wanting things, and the only time I am able to not want something is when I have it, but that’s temporary and eventually something else comes along igniting my want again.  My mind thinks if I obtain these things I’ll be happy, but it’s rarely I achieve these things and find that everlasting happiness. My mind is simply looking for a way to justify some unhappiness inside myself.  It’s like a distraction from what I know to be true, simply exist in the present moment and love yourself.  

It’s hard to accept yourself as you are in this moment, but it’s also really easy. If I lose ten pounds, if I made an extra $500 per month, everything would work out so much better, but then you get there and it may work for a little bit but eventually it’s not bringing you the happiness that you are truly after. For me, a big part of accepting myself and my life is not comparing to any one else. It’s really hard. I have had to take a temporary (maybe permanent) step back from some social media sites like Facebook, in an effort to step back from a world of comparison.  Right now I need to focus on myself, and really fall deeply in love with myself exactly as I am right now.  The idea of self love and acceptance is one that is new to me and takes a bit of practice –  I don’t have much of a foundation built and therefore temptation to compare to others is too much right now.  I feel as I connect deeper and deeper with myself I will get to a place where I am not even interested in comparison or any external validation or happiness, and can just be me. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these things take time, but I am going to help myself as best as I can get that foundation to move forward happily in peace. 

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