Hate

I hate hate.

There is a firery hate that resides deep inside me.  No one close to me would ever describe me as an angry person and that is true but within myself is anger and it isn’t pretty.

My toddler can push the anger out of me, that raw pure hatred can come bursting out  and it’s ugly, I rarely act upon it, maybe I’ll yell but the angry thoughts that come up are ugly and I hate them. Its not just my toddler, many people are pushing my buttons lately producing more and more anger.

It seems really intense now and it feels like it’s bubbling up to the surface begging to be released and I want to release it but it’s not as easy as it sounds.  It’s my default, it’s what I have learned and know so it won’t be an easy solution to simply stop being angry or mad.

But I want it to stop being a part of my life more than it should be. I want my children to default to love instead of anger, I want them to be peace and I really want that for myself too, which is where it will come from. 

Resistance 

I often try hard to go with the flow; seems kind of a silly thing to say, trying hard to go with the flow, but I do, it’s  not something that comes naturally to me. I have to work on letting go – a lot.  I have come a long way from a person who needed to control everything to a person who is aware that there are very few things, if anything, I honestly can control.  It’s something I work on and have to remind myself daily.  I think being at home with my little men is where I have learnt the most about how to let go.

Sometimes I don’t even realize that I am not letting go and going with the flow.  Yesterday I realized that I was not letting go when I was arguing with a two year old to use the potty.  It had been some time and I knew he had to go so I wanted to avoid that accident I could forsee in my future, but he wasn’t ready. I needed to control the situation before it got out of control.  He refused and after a lengthy battle he ended up having an accident. It wasn’t until later in the day that I realized that if I had just gone with it, I might have caught him at the moment he realized he had to really go. Then again I might not have, but the issue isn’t what I did or didn’t avoid, the issue was I wasn’t listening or learning or willing to get messy, I just wanted to avoid it all so the best way to do that was to try to control everything. 

A lot of days are like this, this is how I know I am where I am supposed to be right now because I can just feel the lessons come to light, and if I don’t catch them I am in a situation where they repeat over and over until I really do understand and let go. My darling little toddler with the temper tantrums and the little spark is teaching me some significant lessons : learn to let go.

Let go of all of it. Don’t let any of it weigh you down. Don’t argue trying to force your right point of view on anyone, hear them out, listen, learn and react in that present moment, things may get messy but it hurts a lot less than the constant battle. 

I realize that my little toddler is showing me the way.  I have oodles of relationships where I get so annoyed or can’t stand a particular personality trait of someone and it’s coming from a place where I feel they are doing it wrong and I haven’t learned to let that go.  Everyone has a specific path to walk down and none are alike, but I guess I want more people on my particular path doing exactly like me. Maybe I fear being alone, even though I am aware we are all connected and I am never truly alone.  These personality traits that annoy me are part of myself I see in them that I do not like and I dont want to see it so I hate it hoping they will change it.  The truth is I need to make peace with it all and learn to simply let it go. 

Step by step, day by day , my steps become stronger and I can stand taller in this truth and simply let go. 

Happy birthday

Today is my birthday, and like all my birthdays I use today to reflect and celebrate my life here on earth. I am filled with so much gratitude today. I am grateful to be here in this life, on this journey, learning so much and loving go greatly.

During my morning meditation I had seen a buffalo or bison and when I looked up the meaning I saw this often means abundance, prosperity and gratitude. How fitting for a day where I am usually brought into such a grateful place.  This animal also reminds me of my deep connection to Mother Earth and that raw and deep feminity inside myself.

So often I am criticizing or scrutinizing myself on this journey where as I should be celebrating myself, and today is a fantastic day to remind myself of that and to steep myself in this place of love and gratitude.

So happy birthday to me. My plan is to celebrate myself today, to love myself hard and most of all to centre myself in gratitude.