Toddler steps

I had hopes for a post today about international women’s day; it was going to be a beautiful celebration to all women everywhere but instead I am sitting in my chair lightly sobbing as I have beaten down  by a toddler.

I feel exhausted and frankly sad because he is two and a half and a giant pain in my bum!  He knows how to push all the buttons and he doesn’t push them gently.  If I discipline him he laughs at me, time outs don’t even stick because no matter how many times he goes in he always finds a way out, my authority means nothing to him. I tell myself as an adult he will make a great leader pushing the boundaries, not backing down and making himself heard.

But right now it’s hard. 

Everything I do or say is challenged because that’s what he does, that’s what his age is about : testing waters – learning, and all of this I know and understand but as a person who just spent an hour and a half walking him back to his room for sleep I have to wonder what the price for that spark of his will cost.

Because right now I feel broken.

I am tired and I don’t know what I am doing.  My older son is completely the opposite, I have no wisdom to guide me, and the wisdom I seek out from others has left me here in this chair wishing I could curl up in bed with a massive amount of junk food and binge watch my way through the entire Netflix library.

I feel like I am missing some major lesson here: go with the flow,  be present, don’t worry if he ever sleeps again. I don’t know what it is but I am tired and angry and sad all wrapped into one big toddler mama package. I know this is temporary but when you’re in the thick of it, well it can really drag you down.

Baby steps…

Or should I say toddler steps.

Seeing myself 

I love my day to day life: I love what I do, I love the flexibility in it and I really love that after all these years, I eat well for my body and excercise when and whatever I feel like doing. My life has become about enjoyment instead of having to do a certain thing, eat a certain way or exercise a certain amount.  Can you feel the but coming?

But….

I hate my body, and going deeper myself to an extent.

I am on a journey of self love, to really connect to myself and love myself.  Some days I feel like I have made oodles of self love improvements and other days I feel like I am at square one.  This journey of self love is getting hijacked every morning when I pass by the mirror and get dressed. I stop and look at myself and find the thing that is wrong: my belly, my cellulite, whatever I choose to focus on, I then tell myself work harder, eat better and maybe this will go away.

But it never goes away. 

There is always something to improve upon.  I am always looking for something physically I can make better.

If I am working out regularly, eating well and have good amounts of energy then why can’t I accept my body as it is?  I have had two children, things are a little less tight, I have had my ab muscles split both times carrying my children resulting in a slight protruding belly, these things I cannot control but I obsess about them daily –  as if that helps me in any way. I look in the mirror and see imperfection yet I just admitted to being really happy in my day to day life, I have found the right balance that doesn’t make me feel deprived or bad, yet I can’t accept what I look like. 

Once upon a time I had gone down a rather dangerous path that lead to a world where everything had a number, I counted calories and disciplined myself to a point where I was incredibly unhappy, but I looked good. At the time, I excercised two hours a day and was obsessed with all things nutritious. I had a very nice body and I didn’t even care, it could be nicer, I could work even harder. It didn’t abuse too much but I was starting to have obsessive thoughts about body image and it lead me to a very unhappy place where I was incredibly deprived and extremely unhappy. 

Sometimes I think I want that body back, but that body came with a price and it’s one I am not willing to pay anymore.

I do love my life and I really want to love me completely and unconditionally but I look for flaws, a lifetime of doing it can be hard to break. The truth is I am looking for external validation again, I want to look fantastic so you will tell me I look fantastic because I need that from you. But I don’t really. I am comparing myself to you and all I need to do is love myself.

At the very basic level, I need to love this body, completely as it is in this very moment because that’s the foundation I need to build upon my self love.  How do I do it? I tell myself each morning that I look amazing, that I am amazing, and I love everything in the present moment. I don’t look for the flaws in the morning, I just look at myself with love, no comparing to anyone else,  not even myself.  It’s not fair to compare, even to myself because I am very different person then I was back then when I had a body like that, so many different sitatuions are different, I need to simple be in the present moment and just love the hell out of my body. As I start telling myself, it may even feel like i am lying, but I had learned in the past that after time I will come to believe it, I just need to retain my mind into being positive, and that takes time but it’s not impossible.  

The feminine spirit 

I have been nothing but a cranky bum the past few days and I noticed in my calendar that is that week of pms. It was almost a relief to see, as if it’s a reason or excuse for me to completely lose it. The truth is I don’t want to continuously lose it and it really didn’t change my behaviour when I realized I had a few more hormones then usual this time of the month, but I do want to release all this anger. 

Today is a gorgeous day, a rare gem hidden during winter time where it is actually warm and beautiful with the sun shining down. I decided this morning that I don’t want to be a grump so I made sure to meditate (which really does help) and I felt compelled to get outside and run.  I even did my old route that I used to do pre-children because I am working right now on loving myself and told myself to have confidence in myself for this run. It was during the run that I felt connected to my mind, my body and my spirit (being myself and the greater spirit all around me – Mother Nature) . I realized that I am on a journey of self love and self discovery and that needs to be rooted deep in my feminine spirit. 

As I ran, I thought my journey is that of a female voice. I am learning and thinking about spiritual practice and I am realizing that the culture that I am a part of is one where the female is seen as weak.  I also understand that there are cultures that celebrate femininity and see females as a source of power and great insight.  These cultures celebrate every part of being female and see the great insight from it. This is too how I wish to see it. If I wish to operate from this spot I need to look at all aspects of my feminity in a positive way. I need to see my pms as a time of heightened sense of emotions and not all of those emotions are bad, there are many good ones that allows me to also feel great joy, love and connection.  I have read and I have come to understand it to be true, that this is a time of great creativity and connectivity –  I have a great and deep perception right now and it’s time to honour that.  The month will circle through a variety of emotions but now is the time to be creative and celebrate my feminity. 

It’s no wonder my run sparked these emotions because I am connecting to a great feminine spirit – Mother Nature. I feel so alive when I do so because it’s when I am truly connecting to me. 

The victim 

This week I had tons of plans, but none of them came true. Friends couldn’t attend, families weren’t able to come anymore, children got sick, life happened, and for the most part it was quiet and not that bad of a week, though it did seem rather long at times. Today I let my ego seep in and saturate myself as the victim.  Why me? Why are people always bailing on me? Why do my kids get sick when I look forward to a night out with my hubby? Why can’t my family be there when I need it?

There I am.

The victim.

The key to living a victim-less life is owning your own life, taking full responsibility for your life and your happiness. I don’t feel like I am blaming anyone else, but I am. You canceled our date and that’s your fault, and therefore I am sad from that. I am not taking responsibility for my life and my happiness, I am relying on others to do that for me. I am relying on you to make me happy. This has been a major issue of mine for some time, I want everyone else to do the hard work and the truth is I am never going to make any major break throughs if I don’t get my hands a little dirty. 

It’s sneaky how easy I default to being the victim. I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. I just thought crappy things are happening to me and that makes me sad, but I am the one putting all my eggs in other people’s baskets hoping they will bring me happiness and joy.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t make plans moving forward, I just go with the flow because I know that whatever I do even if I do it on my own will have happiness because that happiness comes only from me.

Change begins with me.

Valentine’s Day 

Today is Valentine’s Day and I love this day; not because of the chocolate, not because it’s a date night (no date night for me tonight)  but because it’s an opportunity to remember love.  

I know how Valentine’s Day came to be, I also know how it’s morphed throughout the years and many see it as a very commercialized day. The way I see it is for every person out buying their loved one’s diamond jewelry there is someone having an anti-commercialized day filled with zombie movies and snacks (my sisters tradition).  Here is the thing: the way you celebrate can’t be wrong, if it’s got a foundation in love. However you celebrate it or whatever you believe, it’s all founded in love – love for your significant other, your family, yourself! This is a time to remember love and if your heart is truly standing firmly in love I don’t see how you can be doing it wrong. 

Valentine’s Day reminds me of New Year’s Eve and it’s resolutions. It’s a chance for me to remind myself that everyday should be Valentine’s Day and that we all should be operating from a place of love.  My son will come home today filled with a home made basket of little love notes from his classmates and everyone of them is different, I love going through them with him because there just so much love in that basket.  There may be people who don’t get a long in his class but that seems to shift aside and each child participates, carefully writing down each other’s names on a card –  and trust me at my sons age that requires some thought and time so there is some serious love right there! 

This day makes me remember that yes I operate from a place of love and shall continue to do so. It also reminds me that in a day filled with random acts of love and kindness that should continue all through the year.  The notes, the chocolates, the kindness, the appreciation, the thoughtfulness, all the love should be given all year round!  

So today I am grateful for love and everyone in my life who I love, that includes you reading here, your love is what keeps me writing and in a place where love flows freely and naturally.  

So happy love day!  May you be filled with nothing but love today and everyday! 

Loving spirit

I grew up in the spiritual world which was fear-based.  Currently I feel really drawn back to a spiritual place  but I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of fear.  It’s no wonder I fear Spirit because fear is all I remember from it.  As a child every action I did came with a message that if it’s not done perfectly as it should be, God would punish me. Even as an adult I had a family member ask after my miscarriage “what did you do wrong to warrant this?!”. I didn’t feel I did anything wrong, in fact I tried to live my life the best I could and be kind to everyone.

 The idea of fear based spirituality never sat  well with me.  Isn’t God just love?  I get that wrong deeds shouldn’t be encouraged but wouldn’t it be easier if you just spoke to me about love, I would be so much more drawn to that then believing out of fear, because if I didn’t believe I would be punished.  Though I didn’t understand it then, I realize that things like the miscarriage, and stuff that happens to us, all happen as lessons to help us grow into those loving beings, not because we did seomthing wrong.

This is a very big step from me in a direction I have been wanting to take for years, but have been too afraid.  Though I am experiencing a lot of fear right now, I am trying to meet that fear with love and it is helping dissolve it away in awareness. My fears are creating anxieties because I am blocking my connections, like I child with the blanket pulled over my head I don’t want to tap into Spitit because of fear. The time has come to let if flow and see where this takes me, it’s been a journey I have been wanting to take for years but up until now I wasn’t ready. The only way for me to travel down this path is in love and I know that feeling of love is what will guide me through and dissolve all fears. 

Today I took my son to the library, as a spiritual scholar, I find real peace there and my son can play and just be.  Having nothing but a fearful week,  I had let fear drive the wheel and fear leads to anger, and he picks up all of that so he has been a little stinker this past week. Today he had gone to the eye doctor and then to the library and was pushing so many of my buttons I thought I was going to explode.  I know he represented a physical representation of my fear and anger but at the time I wasn’t sure what would counter that. We were sitting in one of those coin operated rides outside the library in the mall, and it was noon and it was time for lunch for both of us; I had tried many times to get him to put his coat on but had no success and was exhausted.  More and more people watched as he threw some awful temper tantrums and I retreated inside myself. I did everything to get him to come, followed all the right instructions but nothing work, here I was doing everything that I should but nothing in our fear based model worked.  As I wondered when this would end, a women came over who had a name tag from the bank with a box full of stickers. She asked my son if he would like one, which he was very excited about. She said he could pick whatever one he wanted if he put in his coat and went with mommy. She explained to me she has three boys so she knew what I was feeling.  Tears welled in my eyes as I thanked her for her kindness and as easy as that we were on our way. 

In ways I can’t even really describe that experience made me feel full of love. I realized through her actions and ours that I can come to Spirit and God in love, but I’ll never connect in fear. I felt welcomed and energized in love, which is all I ever wanted, what I didn’t realize was it was me holding me back.  I have some searching to do, and the logistics of what this all looks like will sort itself out, it will take me some practice to meet this part of my life in love, but I am much more willing now to start the process.  I feel something has lifted and if I allow it I can finally trust. 

I am safe

When the results came back from my doctors about all my stomach issues it turned out that nothing was truly wrong and that my mind was associating pain with a certain food that had caused me pain in the past when I went through treatments for h.pylori.  Some of the most comforting words a doctor has ever said to me were: it cannot hurt you. That brought me comfort for a while but every now and then (like right now) I have had some stomach discomforts and though I know I am safe and it cannot hurt me I am not believing it.

Now I have had some issues with some spiritual energies in my home, my natural reaction was fear – this will hurt me but like my stomach it will not hurt me.  Only I can do that.

There is a message being sent to me letting me know a lot of the things that I let torture myself cannot hurt me, I am safe. If these things cannot hurt me so why do they appear to be coming up again and again?

To teach me a lesson.

To help me connect to sides I fear, but sides of me that need connection.  I fear the spiritual world sometimes, I fear death and the unknown and it causes me a great deal of discomfort. 

Same with my stomach, I know my stomach is a barometer for stress and things in my life, but I don’t want to connect to it because that takes me to a deep spiritual place where I am not knowledgable. I don’t understand it and if I try to this leads me to a world where I have no knowledge or control .

You fear what you don’t understand. It scares me to blindly believe and accept. I thought I had dealt with my fear but I had only buried it because to confront my fears head on is just too terrifying.   This is why my evolution is stuck: not from fear that I will change, maybe that is a part of it but the bigger part is a fear of the unknowing, a fear of lack of control, I still to this day fear trust – real trust, that whole heartedly belief in trust. I fear it because I don’t understand it, I fear it because I won’t trust.

My relationships 

I have a wide range of different relationships  but I struggle with a lot of them as sometimes things are said that I simply can’t let go. The reason that bothers me so much is that I do have relationships where people are able to say pretty much anything and I am able to let it roll off my shoulder. I suppose I get frustrated because I am capable of letting things go and I know when I do that I feel a lot more free.  This morning my attempt is to gain understanding of why certain people in my life I am able to let things go a lot easier than others in my life. 

The people in my life who I am able to let go of what they say even at times it could be hurtful but I am able to do so because I feel their intention of love.  I know that even though they may say something unpleasant they are coming from a place of love and they have nothing but love for me so I am able to let the words hang there that don’t serve me and take what does. 

But I can’t seem to do this with everyone.

The way I see it is that  I know these people care for me so I am so much more understanding but maybe it is that I care so much more for these people so I am able to allow things to roll off me with ease.  You would think if I didn’t care for someone as much it would be easier to let things roll off me but for reasons I am not entirely sure, it’s not.  Maybe it’s that I want a connection from everyone that way and when I can’t seem to break through I get frustrated and fill with hate for that person. I know I can’t have the same kind of relationship with everyone and I struggle with that because I wish all my relationships were so full of love that I can allow everything to roll off of me.

I think for the most part those who do not serve me I do not see as often but there is interaction occasionally and that occasional interaction can frustrate me and leave me in a circle of hate for that relationship long after interaction has taken place. This is the type of relationship that frustrates me as I cannot let go and see how to interact occasionally with someone who isn’t full with love, and the key is, I wish they were. Maybe I am not accepting this person as they are, I know and can feel they aren’t love but I wish them to be : so time and time again I am left with hurt after our interaction. 

Though I have no definitive solution I do see that my projected expectation is a part of my problem and acceptance for the situation is also something to be said.  Step by step.

My have-to’s

I release all “have-to’s” in my life. You know all those things we “have to do”, I let go of it; it doesn’t mean that I don’t do anything anymore , it’s more that I let go of the idea of “have to’s” in the sense that I need to do something  at the expense of my joy.  

A few days ago I had some old stomach pains, at first I did my best to ignore them but then they crept in and I got angry. I know it can’t hurt me but it makes life uncomfortable.  The pains came in as I was going through a cleaning and organizing period in my home where I had to get it all done and had to get it done now. I didn’t want to do any of it and the stress that it was causing me was literally paining my stomach but I thought : suffer through an it will all be done soon.

I am really done suffering through things. 

The way I see it, to avoid this undue stress, I can either not do the action, which when it’s possible that works well or sometimes when it’s not possible (like having to feed my children when I am not in the mood to cook or prepare food) perhaps I could change my mindset and approach the task with joy and love.

I know for certain my body does not respond to being forced into something anymore and I no longer wish to operate out of a mile long to-do list that has to be done right away.  There’s always something to do and the way to approach it is in the moment,  with joy and love.

Be true to yourself 

Today  I was enjoying myself on Facebook, there seemed to be many posts that were positive and uplifting and I was so happy and proud to be me in this exact moment. Then I came across it, that one bad comment from that one person who for the most part has not rubbed me too much in the wrong way but is certainly is a strongly opinionated person with some toxic energy.

I got mad. Really mad. Her comment made me so angry. Then I got mad I got mad. I shouldn’t let it bother me I told myself, she has strong opinions about everything. 

Being mad was a natural reaction, no need to should all over myself, I recognize it as anger and now time to let go.  Then I thought, why do I follow this person? And I remembered that I had unfriended her in the past and when I added her back some time later she had some words to say to me, she certainly wasn’t a nice person and even though she’s sort of family, I don’t need that. I stopped following her today and decided to let that go, there is really nothing gained by me to stew in her negativity. I don’t even see her daily, I may have seen her once in the past ten years, but I suppose I fear what others may think. 

Right now in my life what I really need is truth and that truth is in regards to me, I need to speak my truth and I need to be true to myself and I won’t accomplish that by trying to appease everyone else. Some people have toxic energy that just doesn’t feel right and they may even be close to you but it doesn’t mean you have to stew in that toxicity and try to make them right or have it seep into you.  I release her now and I do so in love, we just aren’t the right energy right now and in my truth I must allow myself to connect with others who are  the same, with love.

It’s so important right now and kind of cliche but it’s so true: be true to yourself!